Learning to Walk (season 2)
Hey
Before you read this, listen to this playlist in no particular order while reading this blog. Seriously, make this play list and listen to it while reading =p it adds some effect haha:
Come Home Running
How Great is our God
O Praise Him
Grace like Rain
Indescribable
I'm Forgiven
I believe all these are by Chris Tomlin, cept for O praise Him, which is by David Crowder Band.
Something I realized in the last few days of my life. Something that feels as if God came down and whip-lashed my behind. *Rubs bottom.* Maybe I've been sitting too long and need to stretch a bit first before I continue this blog. *Stretches* *yawning => neck cracking => back cracks => grabs cup of milk => sips milk... little milk moustache remains*
What did I learn? What did I realize? The greater question is, what ISN'T there to learn? Nothing. Nothing isn't there to be learnt. We have so much to learn and grow. As humans, we will always enjoy our continual pursuit of emotional and spiritual maturity (and for some, physical maturity =p but let's keep this one on the down low).
But that's not what God threw at me. I just realized the reason to why I've lived my life as it has been from grade 7 up to Dec 31, 2006. Haha, I can't sum up all the little ups and downs (like my emo moments) but I've finally understood Simon Ng's motivation for his actions and why he lived as he did.
Since I was a little kid, I've always sought acceptance. Who doesn't? Haha, we all do. But I was one of those tiny asian kids who always got beat up, beat down, and spat on. Almost literally spat on if that guy had better spitting aim haha. GG. GG indeed lol. That's the reason why I started learning Karate (this explains my karate extra curricular).
All this while, my mother always pushes me, saying, "You must better yourself. Only you can improve yourself. If you don't care about yourself, who will? Nobody outside this house is going to push you, to tell you the honest truth. Learn how to talk, get what you want and get it done! Now... go work! If you work so hard, but in the end you have nothing to show, who cares? It is meaningless! Don't be like your father..." This is the reason for my character as it is today, the Simon that seeks to get things done, regardless of feelings or consequences.
My mother always told me to improve myself. Be Better. Be Smarter. Be Stronger. Taste the real world and I will understand. Understand the pain. Understand the cruelty. Understand the betrayal. Betrayal from friends, betrayal from your family and parents... This explains all the random extra curriular things I do. My skating, skiing, snowboarding, ping pong, tennis, swimming, ballroom dancing, summer science camps at SHAD, U of T Mentorship Program, DEEP program, public speaking camps, tutors, Self help books, tapes, etc.
Wouldn't it be nice to go up to anyone in the world, from any country, any background, any ethnicity, any financial situation, any political view, any religious belief.... wouldn't it be great to go up to anyone of this planet and strike up a meaningful conversation? Live with them, learn from them, feel their lives, and know that life in Canada is the most valuable and sought after of all lives on this world.
Appreciation.
Knowledge.
Leadership
Know-how.
Action.
Humility.
This is what my mother tried to instill in me. This explains all the random stuff I did/do.
Being asian, I went to extra math/english/french lessons. This explains all the extra academic lessons. Since my parents met in music school, music was in my blood. This explains my heavy music life + 4 hours/day practising.
When I was in gr 6, I started liking this girl in my music classes. If you know who she is, you probably know some of the back story. In any case, I was such a loser haha =p. So of course, my heart was broken. It was broken for..... about 2 years = depression + no family support + bad grades + finding pass times to keep me busy. This part is a pre-cursor to why I lived as the Simon Ng from grade 8 - Dec 2006.
From grade 8 onwards, I polymerized (yes polmerized! Got a problem? =p) all these past emotions into a new Simon Ng. Someone who sought acceptance. Someone who would get things done his way regardless of feelings/consequences or people. Despite the familial values instilled in me, I didn't care about my parents. Despite my mother's talk about passion, I thought nothing for others. Even though I went to a Catholic school where religion was law, I fell into a world of lies and deceit. Despite all the moral codes of which I lectured others about, I lived the opposite. After talking to some parents, they told me they wished they had a kid like me. I was a walking, lying, crying, prideful, hollow shell of humanity. I was fake.
I just wanted to be accepted. I couldn't understand why my heart was broken, or why people looked down on others, or why my best friend would betray when I was already suicidal. I didn't understand why God would ever let people feel such anxiety, such depression, such hate for one another.
From grade 9 - 12, people had no value to me. Imagine yourself, with a head as a box for your brain. Your eyes are receptacles for your head. Your ears hear. Your body moves, and your organs are just internalized compartments of juices and enzymes. Emotions are just hormones that tell you to feel things, but drugs and your own will can change that. Loving somone is not really love, but a rush of hormones that cause your cerebal cortex to shut down. When everyone cried, I smiled, when everyone laughed, I breathed hate. I became devoid of emotion, devoid of humanity. Who am I? Who is Simon Ng? When people cry, how come I can't understand? When they smile why am I so contemptuous? What does Simon Ng believe in? Why does he cry himself to sleep?
Acceptance. I just wanted to feel accepted. How come everyone around me is happy? Why am I so sad? Why is Simon Ng so lonely?
That's why we dress the way we do, talk the way we talk. For everyone of us, we each feel that what we are doing is 100% justified, at least in our own eyes at that time, otherwise we would have never done it. This explains why I listened to all those tapes, read all those books, attended all those classes. I just wanted to feel accepted, and to prevent myself from getting hurt again. I did all those things to find keys to unlock everyones mind and unravel their heart. Can you imagine? If you think about it, everyone you meet on this Earth can become a good friend of yours. Nobody you ever meet should become your enemy. You just need to know what to say and how to say it. THere is always something you can say to someone that will cheer her up, make him smile, make em laugh. A hug? A joke? A look? Diction, eye contact, sharing, resume, honour, strong will... what is it that makes this person laugh? What makes them cry? I could make people cry rivers. And like a river, hearts poured into my hand.
This is why I did all that, just to feel accepted............................Did all that...... at least until I met this amazing person, someone who woke me up from this nightmare, someone I met at SHAD. Thank you. Thank you. You are like a mother to me =p. I can't imagine if God didn't put you in my life. You set me straight, with an email, a smile, a hug, and a kiss. Thank you.
If you're reading this, I hope that 6 song playlist is still playing =p.
So ya, coming back from retreat, from men cell on wednesday, from an awesome time with small group on Thursday night made me realize why I did all that haha =). Well in anycase, I'm still learning to deal with my pride. Thank you God. Thank you God for putting all these people in my life and making me who I am. Feels like I just started emotional and spiritual puberty (still waiting for physical puberty). This probably sounds really terrible, but for the first time in a long while (except at SHAD =p) I actually care about people. Hahaha that's horrible. But it's the honest truth.
What it means to care about someone! You care about them!.............they cry, they smile, they joke and laugh. You just want to hold em, smile at them, make them feel better. You want the best for their life, you want them to achieve their goals, you want them to dream big, and you want to give them the power, the knowledge, and the wings to fly. You want them to know that you believe in them, that you care about them. It makes me you smile when they succeed, when they laugh, and when they build their own character. This is what I learned, the life I'm searching for.
Humbly yours
Simon
Before you read this, listen to this playlist in no particular order while reading this blog. Seriously, make this play list and listen to it while reading =p it adds some effect haha:
Come Home Running
How Great is our God
O Praise Him
Grace like Rain
Indescribable
I'm Forgiven
I believe all these are by Chris Tomlin, cept for O praise Him, which is by David Crowder Band.
Something I realized in the last few days of my life. Something that feels as if God came down and whip-lashed my behind. *Rubs bottom.* Maybe I've been sitting too long and need to stretch a bit first before I continue this blog. *Stretches* *yawning => neck cracking => back cracks => grabs cup of milk => sips milk... little milk moustache remains*
What did I learn? What did I realize? The greater question is, what ISN'T there to learn? Nothing. Nothing isn't there to be learnt. We have so much to learn and grow. As humans, we will always enjoy our continual pursuit of emotional and spiritual maturity (and for some, physical maturity =p but let's keep this one on the down low).
But that's not what God threw at me. I just realized the reason to why I've lived my life as it has been from grade 7 up to Dec 31, 2006. Haha, I can't sum up all the little ups and downs (like my emo moments) but I've finally understood Simon Ng's motivation for his actions and why he lived as he did.
Since I was a little kid, I've always sought acceptance. Who doesn't? Haha, we all do. But I was one of those tiny asian kids who always got beat up, beat down, and spat on. Almost literally spat on if that guy had better spitting aim haha. GG. GG indeed lol. That's the reason why I started learning Karate (this explains my karate extra curricular).
All this while, my mother always pushes me, saying, "You must better yourself. Only you can improve yourself. If you don't care about yourself, who will? Nobody outside this house is going to push you, to tell you the honest truth. Learn how to talk, get what you want and get it done! Now... go work! If you work so hard, but in the end you have nothing to show, who cares? It is meaningless! Don't be like your father..." This is the reason for my character as it is today, the Simon that seeks to get things done, regardless of feelings or consequences.
My mother always told me to improve myself. Be Better. Be Smarter. Be Stronger. Taste the real world and I will understand. Understand the pain. Understand the cruelty. Understand the betrayal. Betrayal from friends, betrayal from your family and parents... This explains all the random extra curriular things I do. My skating, skiing, snowboarding, ping pong, tennis, swimming, ballroom dancing, summer science camps at SHAD, U of T Mentorship Program, DEEP program, public speaking camps, tutors, Self help books, tapes, etc.
Wouldn't it be nice to go up to anyone in the world, from any country, any background, any ethnicity, any financial situation, any political view, any religious belief.... wouldn't it be great to go up to anyone of this planet and strike up a meaningful conversation? Live with them, learn from them, feel their lives, and know that life in Canada is the most valuable and sought after of all lives on this world.
Appreciation.
Knowledge.
Leadership
Know-how.
Action.
Humility.
This is what my mother tried to instill in me. This explains all the random stuff I did/do.
Being asian, I went to extra math/english/french lessons. This explains all the extra academic lessons. Since my parents met in music school, music was in my blood. This explains my heavy music life + 4 hours/day practising.
When I was in gr 6, I started liking this girl in my music classes. If you know who she is, you probably know some of the back story. In any case, I was such a loser haha =p. So of course, my heart was broken. It was broken for..... about 2 years = depression + no family support + bad grades + finding pass times to keep me busy. This part is a pre-cursor to why I lived as the Simon Ng from grade 8 - Dec 2006.
From grade 8 onwards, I polymerized (yes polmerized! Got a problem? =p) all these past emotions into a new Simon Ng. Someone who sought acceptance. Someone who would get things done his way regardless of feelings/consequences or people. Despite the familial values instilled in me, I didn't care about my parents. Despite my mother's talk about passion, I thought nothing for others. Even though I went to a Catholic school where religion was law, I fell into a world of lies and deceit. Despite all the moral codes of which I lectured others about, I lived the opposite. After talking to some parents, they told me they wished they had a kid like me. I was a walking, lying, crying, prideful, hollow shell of humanity. I was fake.
I just wanted to be accepted. I couldn't understand why my heart was broken, or why people looked down on others, or why my best friend would betray when I was already suicidal. I didn't understand why God would ever let people feel such anxiety, such depression, such hate for one another.
From grade 9 - 12, people had no value to me. Imagine yourself, with a head as a box for your brain. Your eyes are receptacles for your head. Your ears hear. Your body moves, and your organs are just internalized compartments of juices and enzymes. Emotions are just hormones that tell you to feel things, but drugs and your own will can change that. Loving somone is not really love, but a rush of hormones that cause your cerebal cortex to shut down. When everyone cried, I smiled, when everyone laughed, I breathed hate. I became devoid of emotion, devoid of humanity. Who am I? Who is Simon Ng? When people cry, how come I can't understand? When they smile why am I so contemptuous? What does Simon Ng believe in? Why does he cry himself to sleep?
Acceptance. I just wanted to feel accepted. How come everyone around me is happy? Why am I so sad? Why is Simon Ng so lonely?
That's why we dress the way we do, talk the way we talk. For everyone of us, we each feel that what we are doing is 100% justified, at least in our own eyes at that time, otherwise we would have never done it. This explains why I listened to all those tapes, read all those books, attended all those classes. I just wanted to feel accepted, and to prevent myself from getting hurt again. I did all those things to find keys to unlock everyones mind and unravel their heart. Can you imagine? If you think about it, everyone you meet on this Earth can become a good friend of yours. Nobody you ever meet should become your enemy. You just need to know what to say and how to say it. THere is always something you can say to someone that will cheer her up, make him smile, make em laugh. A hug? A joke? A look? Diction, eye contact, sharing, resume, honour, strong will... what is it that makes this person laugh? What makes them cry? I could make people cry rivers. And like a river, hearts poured into my hand.
This is why I did all that, just to feel accepted............................Did all that...... at least until I met this amazing person, someone who woke me up from this nightmare, someone I met at SHAD. Thank you. Thank you. You are like a mother to me =p. I can't imagine if God didn't put you in my life. You set me straight, with an email, a smile, a hug, and a kiss. Thank you.
If you're reading this, I hope that 6 song playlist is still playing =p.
So ya, coming back from retreat, from men cell on wednesday, from an awesome time with small group on Thursday night made me realize why I did all that haha =). Well in anycase, I'm still learning to deal with my pride. Thank you God. Thank you God for putting all these people in my life and making me who I am. Feels like I just started emotional and spiritual puberty (still waiting for physical puberty). This probably sounds really terrible, but for the first time in a long while (except at SHAD =p) I actually care about people. Hahaha that's horrible. But it's the honest truth.
What it means to care about someone! You care about them!.............they cry, they smile, they joke and laugh. You just want to hold em, smile at them, make them feel better. You want the best for their life, you want them to achieve their goals, you want them to dream big, and you want to give them the power, the knowledge, and the wings to fly. You want them to know that you believe in them, that you care about them. It makes me you smile when they succeed, when they laugh, and when they build their own character. This is what I learned, the life I'm searching for.
Humbly yours
Simon
posted by Simon at 8:54 AM
3 Comments:
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hey man.....that is so exciting to hear....and I pray that God would continue to show you who you really are.. :P We are rooting for you! If you ever need to talk....give me a shout!
J.
thank you for sharing. =)
I'm glad to hear that retreat and MC and your small group have had such big impacts on your life and insight to your life ^_^
I'm happy to hear you're opening up more and more. ^_^
God bless you and keep on hard after Him!
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