Learning to Walk (season 2)

Hey

Before you read this, listen to this playlist in no particular order while reading this blog. Seriously, make this play list and listen to it while reading =p it adds some effect haha:

Come Home Running
How Great is our God
O Praise Him
Grace like Rain
Indescribable
I'm Forgiven

I believe all these are by Chris Tomlin, cept for O praise Him, which is by David Crowder Band.



Something I realized in the last few days of my life. Something that feels as if God came down and whip-lashed my behind. *Rubs bottom.* Maybe I've been sitting too long and need to stretch a bit first before I continue this blog. *Stretches* *yawning => neck cracking => back cracks => grabs cup of milk => sips milk... little milk moustache remains*

What did I learn? What did I realize? The greater question is, what ISN'T there to learn? Nothing. Nothing isn't there to be learnt. We have so much to learn and grow. As humans, we will always enjoy our continual pursuit of emotional and spiritual maturity (and for some, physical maturity =p but let's keep this one on the down low).

But that's not what God threw at me. I just realized the reason to why I've lived my life as it has been from grade 7 up to Dec 31, 2006. Haha, I can't sum up all the little ups and downs (like my emo moments) but I've finally understood Simon Ng's motivation for his actions and why he lived as he did.

Since I was a little kid, I've always sought acceptance. Who doesn't? Haha, we all do. But I was one of those tiny asian kids who always got beat up, beat down, and spat on. Almost literally spat on if that guy had better spitting aim haha. GG. GG indeed lol. That's the reason why I started learning Karate (this explains my karate extra curricular).

All this while, my mother always pushes me, saying, "You must better yourself. Only you can improve yourself. If you don't care about yourself, who will? Nobody outside this house is going to push you, to tell you the honest truth. Learn how to talk, get what you want and get it done! Now... go work! If you work so hard, but in the end you have nothing to show, who cares? It is meaningless! Don't be like your father..." This is the reason for my character as it is today, the Simon that seeks to get things done, regardless of feelings or consequences.

My mother always told me to improve myself. Be Better. Be Smarter. Be Stronger. Taste the real world and I will understand. Understand the pain. Understand the cruelty. Understand the betrayal. Betrayal from friends, betrayal from your family and parents... This explains all the random extra curriular things I do. My skating, skiing, snowboarding, ping pong, tennis, swimming, ballroom dancing, summer science camps at SHAD, U of T Mentorship Program, DEEP program, public speaking camps, tutors, Self help books, tapes, etc.
Wouldn't it be nice to go up to anyone in the world, from any country, any background, any ethnicity, any financial situation, any political view, any religious belief.... wouldn't it be great to go up to anyone of this planet and strike up a meaningful conversation? Live with them, learn from them, feel their lives, and know that life in Canada is the most valuable and sought after of all lives on this world.
Appreciation.
Knowledge.
Leadership
Know-how.
Action.
Humility.
This is what my mother tried to instill in me. This explains all the random stuff I did/do.

Being asian, I went to extra math/english/french lessons. This explains all the extra academic lessons. Since my parents met in music school, music was in my blood. This explains my heavy music life + 4 hours/day practising.

When I was in gr 6, I started liking this girl in my music classes. If you know who she is, you probably know some of the back story. In any case, I was such a loser haha =p. So of course, my heart was broken. It was broken for..... about 2 years = depression + no family support + bad grades + finding pass times to keep me busy. This part is a pre-cursor to why I lived as the Simon Ng from grade 8 - Dec 2006.

From grade 8 onwards, I polymerized (yes polmerized! Got a problem? =p) all these past emotions into a new Simon Ng. Someone who sought acceptance. Someone who would get things done his way regardless of feelings/consequences or people. Despite the familial values instilled in me, I didn't care about my parents. Despite my mother's talk about passion, I thought nothing for others. Even though I went to a Catholic school where religion was law, I fell into a world of lies and deceit. Despite all the moral codes of which I lectured others about, I lived the opposite. After talking to some parents, they told me they wished they had a kid like me. I was a walking, lying, crying, prideful, hollow shell of humanity. I was fake.

I just wanted to be accepted. I couldn't understand why my heart was broken, or why people looked down on others, or why my best friend would betray when I was already suicidal. I didn't understand why God would ever let people feel such anxiety, such depression, such hate for one another.

From grade 9 - 12, people had no value to me. Imagine yourself, with a head as a box for your brain. Your eyes are receptacles for your head. Your ears hear. Your body moves, and your organs are just internalized compartments of juices and enzymes. Emotions are just hormones that tell you to feel things, but drugs and your own will can change that. Loving somone is not really love, but a rush of hormones that cause your cerebal cortex to shut down. When everyone cried, I smiled, when everyone laughed, I breathed hate. I became devoid of emotion, devoid of humanity. Who am I? Who is Simon Ng? When people cry, how come I can't understand? When they smile why am I so contemptuous? What does Simon Ng believe in? Why does he cry himself to sleep?

Acceptance. I just wanted to feel accepted. How come everyone around me is happy? Why am I so sad? Why is Simon Ng so lonely?
That's why we dress the way we do, talk the way we talk. For everyone of us, we each feel that what we are doing is 100% justified, at least in our own eyes at that time, otherwise we would have never done it. This explains why I listened to all those tapes, read all those books, attended all those classes. I just wanted to feel accepted, and to prevent myself from getting hurt again. I did all those things to find keys to unlock everyones mind and unravel their heart. Can you imagine? If you think about it, everyone you meet on this Earth can become a good friend of yours. Nobody you ever meet should become your enemy. You just need to know what to say and how to say it. THere is always something you can say to someone that will cheer her up, make him smile, make em laugh. A hug? A joke? A look? Diction, eye contact, sharing, resume, honour, strong will... what is it that makes this person laugh? What makes them cry? I could make people cry rivers. And like a river, hearts poured into my hand.

This is why I did all that, just to feel accepted............................Did all that...... at least until I met this amazing person, someone who woke me up from this nightmare, someone I met at SHAD. Thank you. Thank you. You are like a mother to me =p. I can't imagine if God didn't put you in my life. You set me straight, with an email, a smile, a hug, and a kiss. Thank you.


If you're reading this, I hope that 6 song playlist is still playing =p.


So ya, coming back from retreat, from men cell on wednesday, from an awesome time with small group on Thursday night made me realize why I did all that haha =). Well in anycase, I'm still learning to deal with my pride. Thank you God. Thank you God for putting all these people in my life and making me who I am. Feels like I just started emotional and spiritual puberty (still waiting for physical puberty). This probably sounds really terrible, but for the first time in a long while (except at SHAD =p) I actually care about people. Hahaha that's horrible. But it's the honest truth.

What it means to care about someone! You care about them!.............they cry, they smile, they joke and laugh. You just want to hold em, smile at them, make them feel better. You want the best for their life, you want them to achieve their goals, you want them to dream big, and you want to give them the power, the knowledge, and the wings to fly. You want them to know that you believe in them, that you care about them. It makes me you smile when they succeed, when they laugh, and when they build their own character. This is what I learned, the life I'm searching for.


Humbly yours

Simon

Pride all mighty

Dear Heavenly Father

Coming back from retreat… You have taught me a lot. Retreat…. Retreat….I used to wonder if it was necessary. Do we really need to get away? Get away from the phones, the work, the life of the city student? Do these things really take us away from God? I’ve discovered yes! Yes it does haha. I know everyone knows that already, but personally for me, it’s a personal discovery =p. In anycase, Lord I thank you. Thank you for teaching me the humility that was so greatly needed in my life, humility to balance my hubris. Humility that … 30 minutes after I get home, my mother lectures me about how my attitude needs some changing, some adjustment, some change in the way I operate in order to be “truly” successful. For the first time in a ………………… long while, I feel just…. Unnaturally at peace. Sitting down in "mc dong dong eating big mac, felt so still, so settled, despite the coughing, despite the drama, despite the work. Finally learned that nothing really comes from myself alone. There is always Your work, Your hand in everything we do, everything we accomplish. It is so easy to be proud, stout, and full hearted of one’s own accomplishments. So easy to be haughty when looking and comparing someone’s accomplishments compared to your own. So easy….. or as D Lo would say, “Too Easy!” But this retreat sorta mega killed and OWNED me haha.

Many years ago, a good friend from grade school told me pride kills. He then proceeded to m-m-m-monster kill my pride. Who knew what pride really was back in grade four? He did. Of course, I did not believe him. Who at the age of 10 knows or really cares about pride? Sure we start to feel jealousy at that age, but at that age… so young… we don’t know what the source of jealousy is, the reason why we do unreasonable things.

Another dear friend, most recently, taught me the same thing. This time, however, at our age, 19 and 20, everyone knows WHAT pride is. We all know it does funny things to us, especially us of the male species. That tiny y chromosome, that which produces maleness in a human being, also produces so many other problems, so many other factors that turns homo sapiens into Neanderthals.

I don’t know if it’s God or fate but, right after retreat, for the first time in my life, my mother talked about how my way of looking at things focuses on things too small, things too little, pedantic views. Apparently she noticed this problem of mine since I was 4 years old. Such things that don’t matter but that I magnify. Such small things that make me unforgiving, so cold, so inhuman. I don’t know….. I don’t know if this is God, but I think so. I think it’s God telling me the same message of what I learned at retreat, what I learned in January, what I learned back in grade 4. Is it possible? I received this message four times over a decade? Maybe this time, God is telling me to learn it NOW because any later, and I might regret something… something that won’t be forgiven, something that can’t be taken back, something that I will regret forever, for the rest of life.

Even now I still have my pride. Pride in school, pride in music, pride in what I know and what I can do. Pride in my independence, pride in my life, pride in my way of understanding.

Even now I am still too full of pride. I still have a lot to learn, a long journey of maturity. Adulthood is now, but clearly, I have the mind of a child. I am not ready. Too ill prepared for so many things, too selfish in so many ways.

If only pride was a physiological body part, like your tonsils, that you could remove on demand. I bet there would be a high demand for it.

I have a lot to learn from everyone in my house. I am the most proud and that is not good. It’s so easy to be proud and full when you've lived in such an environment for so long. You travel that high road for such a long time, that…. When you look back, your tracks are gone, wind blown over the dirt. You don’t know how to go back, how to return home. All you can do is look forward, look towards the light, right?

O well, time for genetics tutorial. Thank you God, summit 04, mom, dad, and especially Elgin. I owe you all something that I can’t pay back…. at least I don't know how yet....

To be continued


In Christ
me

Just got back from 1.5 hour cell bio review with the super special awesome TA, Logan, who took his free time to teach 600 of us bio nubs the lectures from Jan 8 - 17. Just got back from shopping: shopping for chocolate, chocolate for people, for person, for games. Need a haircut bad. Hair getting so long that the front sticks up vertically about 2 inches off my head.

The past two weeks of January came full circle with a little bit of something thrown in. Imagine a circular bacterial genome with some Viral DNA excised into it. Yes................. yes, that's why i study biochem =p. Or as Eldon would say, MEIOSIS!!!!

Never felt such a strong urge to work. There's that chinese saying... umm ... "Gum Jingh foh-awn -> Golden, fire eyes... ya.. something along those lines haha. In anycase, let's get back on track; past two weeks.

Week 1: Goodbye parents, hello Wrath. Goodbye friendship, hello Pride. Goodbye health, hello Coughing and Weezing................selfdestruct (subliminal reference just now). Goodbye God? Pffft.....No way! Prayed so much for.................................. for everyone.....for everyone, and for everything. Prayed for life to just fast forward. I've never asked for anyone to pray for me, but I will pray for you. So much internal turmoil. Organs jam, crack and shatter like an infant's skull.

I cried a lot. So many tears, could've fill an industrial sized Nalgene bottle. Imagine, Garra from Naruto carrying his sand around in that huge urn of his. I carried that huge Nalgene bottle, heavy with tears, all day and night strapped to my waist. I brought it to bed, to breakfast, to campus, and to class.

The tears taste like a foamy froth of green soured milk and black moulding meat. Unfortuneately, the Nalgene bottle was "made in China" and so it was leaky, allowing some of that delicious froth to spill onto the streets and other students. Should spent that extra $$ to get a better bottle. O wells.

Later in the week, I calm down.

Week 2: Back to my old self =D. With smiles, laughs, and laughter. Week 1 was like this. You know those kitchen sponges that you wash your dishes with? Take a brand new one, that's hard and brittle because it's dry. Imagine that rough, dry green texture and the porous yellow foam. Imagine the entire rectangle with its angular geometry. And in one shot......






Eat it.


Choke, Cough, Weeze, Throw-up-but-you-can't-gaggle. Face turns white, lungs cry, stomach vomits............but you can't.

Solution: Pray. Sleep.

haha anyways back to week 2: So ya, it's the second week and life's a bit different. Mom isn't emailing me 5 times a day since i'm getting everything she wants, done. People become people again, and one thing that's so awesome about you guys: Friendship

This spans from ACF to just everyone in general. Never could talk to anyone about anything. The people I've met this year..... I owe everyone a thank you, a sorry and another thank you.

I owe you thanks for your smiles, sighs, laughter, and warmth
Roomy talks, roomy hugs and stuff and such
Talks that last till 4 am, talks that prove guys aren't as blockheaded as girls say we are
Even when I frown you still smile
You ask "What's up?" even though you just asked me how i'm doing


If my heart had a little face on it, it's crying and smiling.

Always did everything alone, always walked to my own tune. Never had a shoulder to lean on, to cry to, to really laugh with. I thank God. Thanks Buddy, for your care and love, and for showing it through the family of Summit and friends abroad.

I O U.


In Christ
Simon

In the End - linkin park *Ending*

I pray. I try to change my life, change my ways, change my attitutde towards people I meet, grow with, and ultimately care about. But in the end, it doesn't matter what I try, what I change, in the end I still screw up. What good does it do anyone if you try to change but in the end, it adds up to nothing? In the end you still end up messing up someone's life just as bad, just as hurtful as you messed up everyone else's before.
God I'm changing and I know You are effecting it. I used to do this for a living: fishing, eating, and throwing away bones. I used to be carefree, uncaring, unfeeling, cold. You are changing me God, and You are doing it in such an ackward way. I just.... Why do I feel so bad? I feel so terrible about it I can't eat or sleep. I can't even read two pages of genetics without deferring my attention. I can't even concentrate on what books I'm looking for in the bookstore.

God, You know what I have done. There aren't anymore lies, anymore stories, anymore plots or agenda. For the first time in a long while, just truth and honesty, and letting everything just be as it will be. And just......devastation. Why? I am changing, learning and growing, but it's so painful, it's just so much easier to run back to the previous life.......to run away from You.

Even when you try so hard to change, to make life better for everyone around you, you end up just screwing it up.....just........ya.... i owe an apology. A real one.

In the End - linkin park *continued*

Read the blog previous to this one, at least the ending, to get a sense of where this one is going.

Simon's war with himself (about saying sorry):

Simon's response: I know I have a lot to learn dumbwad, but life isn't so easy and I've been through this before. Just becuase something happens doesn't mean you go changing the way you do things.

Simon's other half: I'm not asking you to shift personalities like before idiot, i'm just asking you to grow up and understand from ANOTHER point of view other than the ones you've accumulated over the years. Different people are different, roll with it.

Simon's response: I am who I am. Have some backbone jeez. What are you going to do? Think to yourself that you don't know who you are and why you do what you do, everytime someone comes along with a different opinion? That's like your mom and being so easily swayed by salesmen, then telling the rest of the family the "truth" about whatever it is.

Simon's other half: I'm not saying not to have backbone, but a truly mature person, a person with some real back bone will be truly humble, and truly understanding, universal understanding, so that missunderstanding and miss interpretation don't happen. Maybe you should pray about it. If an argument is created between two people, it is up the one who understands most, to respect and resolve the problem. Clearly, you are not ready to respect or resolve anything given your attitude. If someone comes along with a different opinion, open your damn ears and ACTUALLY listen. Don't say you do, and then not, hypocrite.

Simon's response: You're just a romatic sap you fag. You have NO IDEA what you want and why you do half the things you do. You're just a mature mind with an immature heart. Half the things you do aren't driven by backbone or what you want or need. It's driven by your desire to feel important, to feel accomplished, to "feel" or pretend that you understand when you don't.

Simon's other half: Many people in life are driven by the desire to feel important, accomplished, and understood. I'm just saying when you do it, do it with some understanding in your heart, and don't be as cold as you were before; clear cut and to the point. Not everyone you come across in your life will always appreciate that. Even your cold and clear cut parents don't appreciate when you do it back to them, especially your mom, even though she is so clear cut and cold about everything to you. But that's besides the point. Not everyone that you're going to meet will be similar to everyone you've met before. Grown, learn, and understand. You owe someone an apology and it doesn't matter whether you understand or not, because you did something wrong.
I've told you this before, communication is only as good as what the other person can understand. If you're saying onething, but something else is understood, it is YOUR fault for saying it incorrectly, not the other person for miss interpreting it. If a person makes a speech and only 99% understand what the speech is about, it is the speakers fault for confusing the 1%, not the 1% for miss understanding due to whatever reason. We've done this already a thousand times and then some. YOU'VE rehearsed these things a thousand times plus in your head. Maybe it's time for some application. Just because you're sick and pushed by your parents to the edge does NOT give you an excuse to mental diarrhea, even mom would tell you this, even though she does exactly that. It's not good to be stuck up, pretend you listen, pretend you understand, and then do all the opposite. Don't be full of pride, do say your sorries, and know that you've done something wrong to hurt another. Don't be like mom. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Simon's response: Wow. F*** you. I don't need you to recite that shit about speaking to me. I came up with it, fag. I don't need to say sorry. Sure, yah, I need to learn and grow and change just like everyone else. But WOW! Who are you to tell me what to do when you've done all the same things yourself? You are no better than me to say anything about what I should do. Certainly, you shouldn't be telling me to say sorry when you're confused about it yourself.

Simon's other half: You're still a kid. Whether your 19 or 20 doesn't make a difference. Both of us know that we expect each other to be fully grown up by 20. But given the things that you just said, you've still got quite a while. I'm sorry you don't feel the need to apologize. But I do. I was going to quote the bible for you, but I don't think you care.....

Simon's response: I just .... don't..... CARE! I don't give a SHIT what happens to this situation. I'm just glad to be at Western and glad to be away from home. I know you are too. What's wrong with you? Just sit back, relax and work. It's also so much easier this way to concentrate on school anyway. We've been through so many situations like these before, just do what you always did and fix it up.

Simon's other half: *sigh* We've also been through this 1000 times. You have to care. You're being too cold. It's what humans do. It's what's part of being a Christian, caring for your brothers and sisters in Christ and honouring our parents. kk we need to work on the parent thing, but ya....hurting someone, regardless, is not acceptable, and you and I both know YOU can't sleep with this. It's not who you are and it's not in you to hurt someone and leave it like that. You have 25 examples. I don't need to go into detail. Do unto other as you would them do unto you. Foo.

Simon's response: Fine, I am sorry, and I do feel like crap so what? I don't need to say anything. I haven't done anything wrong and from both our perspectives we still believe I am right.

Simon's other half: I know you better than you know yourself. If you're anything of what I am, you don't have it in you to just walk away like your father always does. Grow up. Friends needs space, and friendships are priceless, THAT you also know. I also don't need to go into detail about that one for you either, nor do I need to draw examples from mom or dad. You betrayed someone and you owe them something.....

Proverbs 10:13 - 14 Wisdom is found on the lips of him who has understanding, but a rod is for the back of him who is devoid of understanding. Wise people store up knowledge, but the mouth of the foolish is near destruction
Proverbs 12:1 Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, But he who hates correction is stupid

Simon's response: -_- Just.. "say hoi"

In the End - linkin park

(12:30 am)

Ya life is a pretty general topic. Sometimes you learn and sometimes you get burned. When all is said and done, and you're looking back nostalgically on your life, what do you see? What do you hear? Anything? A face? A voice? A hand? Touch?

I don't know. Sometimes I believe I have everything in life figured out to the dot. Parents, people, friends, and tests. Turns out life isn't so simple. So many things, so many factors just all jumble up into a frustrated, red-lettered squiggle on the wall.

Just when I thought everything was finally chugging along like a well oiled train: With God, with my parents, with people around me. with my schooling and marks, and with my direction in life. Just when life feels flowery, relaxed, and dreamy, everything burns in flames, and the train de-rails onto the ember fields like a metallic snake burnt alive.

1) My parents:
I love you guys, but mom, you push me over the edge. I just want to hear you say you're proud of me. Just once, and maybe a hug or two. Is that too much to ask? Sorry I let you down for the business project, calling the profs, etc. Yelling at me while sick isn't going to make you yell at me less is it? Prlly not. Maybe next time we can try to talk things out face to face without one person talking and one person talking it up the wazoo for three consecutive hours, five days in a row. And then you get mad at me for getting Bronchitis and tell me that I'm wasting my time sitting on my bed when I should have been working or studying when I have a fever of 101.9. You also whip yourself into a rage and are so full of pride sometimes I just..... GAH!!!!
Thanks dad. You're sometimes supportive, except when you're not. I can't say or know what you think if you never tell me. You're always so into your own world, your own decisions, your little phrases, it just drives me nuts. The entire world is out there, and you're into yourself alone and omnipotent of your own affairs. Always have to ask you something twice, or say it twice because you never hear anyone of us because something is always playing inside that little head of yours. You're so oblivious to the world around you and to what people think, do and say. I'm sometimes so ashamed that you're my father. Can't you just pay attention for once?
I'm not interested in either of the problems that you guys have between each other. Please don't insinuate the other in front of me and then tell me to fix it up later when your marriage is breaking down. I'm not interested in that anymore. If you're going to compare me to my sister then do yourself a favour, draw a line down the page and compare us on paper. Stop bringing all the negative points about each other to yours kids. Neither of us care about it anymore and we're not going to be there to solve your petty squables anymore. Grow up the both of you.

2) Friends and then some life:
Well its looks like I totally blew this one out of the sky. All I can say is, you don't know what you don't know. And I thought I had life and relationships of life totally figured and known where nothing would be surprising, and everything would be as it always has been. Clearly, this approach does not work. If life was that simple, we would all be doctors, lawyers, and philosophers knowing the keys to every human heart, mind, and pin numbers to every bank account.

For such a long time of my life, I tried to mold keys to people’s hearts and minds. Something I learned from Bio 022 last year, "It always works, except when it doesn't." Such a long time spent, hours writing, days grinded, sleep lost, tears shed. All so that I could always understand someone faster than they understood me. Playing a game of cat and mouse to someone's heart and mind before they got to yours. And truthfully, that DOES always work, except when it doesn't. But even when it works...is this way of life just? Can I look back and say that I've accomplished something? Is it the Christian way of life? The answers are: No, 4 (scaled 1 - 10 with 10 being most accomplished act EVER), and No. That way of life is not correct, it is not something to look back with proud eyes, and it is certainly not Christian. So,

I learned from the dark ages and evolved to the Renaissance. So ya, second year, second life, second house. So I go in with a smile, a suitcase and a heavy sigh. Time to rectify my misdeeds, learn from my mistakes, and not hurt anyone anymore. Or so I thought.
Couple months pass and friends develop and flourish. Some grow a little stronger than others. Some just sit there like a log. In anycase, the point is, some grow a little stronger.
So now I tiptoe through the hallways of life and it feels like I'm walking on eggshells all day long. Some people are asleep, some people are awake, and some friends are at the end of the hall way waiting for me to grow up. So i tiptoe down the learning curve and I reach the end, resolute and accomplished. I throw my arms up in the air in a victory salute, but someone kicks me in the nuts and I fall.
It wasn't a clear kick, so I fall to the ground, green vomit on my green pants. So i haul myself back up and look back. Looking back over my shoulder, it is only then that I realize. Wow, in that process from going from here to there, I thought it was totally fine, I thought nobody was awaken, nobody got hurt and none of the egg shells cracked. But.....
Life's not that easy Simon. All the eggshells are cracked, battered and bruised. Everyone has awoken to my dimwittedness and stupidity. Everyone is in an uproar and Life's hallway suddenly filled with an angry mob.

(1:00 am)

What did I do?
Plenty.
Of course nobody blames themselves for it. Drawing from past historical evidence, I conclude that it is the fault of everyone else and none of my own. But I am wrong. How can I use the past to equate the present? I thought I could, but realize now I can't. I can only learn from the past, learn so that I never repeat it in that way. I can sort of build an antibody to it. But that doesn't mean I am prepared for the present. Does an antibody prepare the body for a new pathogen? Nay, it only protects and prevents infections from old pathogens, old mistakes, old sickness.
Just because all of my past was shaped like a ball doesn't mean that everything that I encounter now a days will be ball shaped too. I guess, I started making ball shaped molds to fit the shapes, and it just so happens that most of the shapes I encountered up till now, were near circular in shape. Sorta like enzyme lock and key model. It's an induced fit of similarly shaped substrates. But what does your body do, when you encounter a new protein? A new lipid? Or if you're lactose intolerant? What does your body do? It vomits in the only way it knows. Diarrhea.

Ya, I had some mental diarrhea there, the kind that's long, loud, and wet. So after walking on egg shells, causing an angry mob, and releasing some mental diarrhea, I forgot two things.

1) Wipe up after myself.
2) Learn that the mess was my fault.

So what if your body encounters a protein that it doesn't have an enzyme for? Deal with it! Obviously I'm going to have some diarrhea sooner or later, but at least learn to control it to a slow and smooth flow rather than a gushing fecal flood gate.

Well then, sometime after that ordeal I start mopping the hallway of life, angry mob still behind me. With my tail between my legs, I slide the mop back, and forth, back and forth.
Ya, I do feel sorry for making such a mess, and for creating such a ruckus with an angry mob ready at a stabbing's notice. But I am sorry. I don't understand what I haven't seen before. I don’t know what I don’t know. I've always done what it takes to stay one step ahead of everyone, and now that I don't, it seems to blow up in my face. Like I said before, you don't know what you don't know. This was something I was totally unaware of. Is it my fault? mhmm, because I did something that was out of my understanding. I don't know how to listen to people when they do or when they don't talk. I thought all my points of view were factual and unbiased. CLEARLY, that is never true (duh). I owe some apologies for my negligence, my stubbornness and mental diarrhea.
Seems just when I thought I was mature in learning, and came full circle in understanding the construct of things, everything just .... bleh's all over the ground.

Honestly, it feels like God's left me again. Why does He always do these things to me? Why break down everything only to have it painfully rebuilt? Why do You bring everything to life, then blow it up, full force (most delta negative rxn), and burn my face along with it? For the 3rd time?

haha I don't know. All I know is my face feels a little hot, haha. But God you understand. But even as You know, it does not excuse me from my lack of understanding before. What can I say? I am sorry, I have never known it to turn up that way. On the other hand, as a receiving party, I get my own mental diarrhea all the time. I get it from my parents (“long winded” mom), and some good old friends, so as Simon, it’s a natural daily phenomenon. One thing is for sure, what one learns from the past, stays in the past. It is only the lessons that carry on. Don’t apply the same thing to the present. And one other thing, never assume anyone is like yourself, or that someone is ok with something you are doing unless u know for sure. Listen, learn, and be humble. Don’t push, don’t stab, or be impatient.

Simon, here are a few things you need to learn, my dear:
Clean up your own Diarrhea
Grow up
And always bring paper towel incase you have mental diarrhea

Listen to the stabbing angry mob because the mob is mad for a good reason
Be patient
And Wait your turn

Know what you want and know what you need
Don’t let it loose on someone just because you are sick
Just… grow up please, you’re almost 20

(1:53 am)

My response:
Fine
Ill clean up, grow up
And bring a paper towel

Ill listen to the angry stabbing mob, but just because
Ill be patient and wait my turn

And of course I know what I need or want, or I wouldn’t pursue it
And ya, k, maybe I do let loose on someone when I am sick and pushed, but
I am grown up, you fag, you grow up yourself!


What I learned from it all:
Still got a lot to learn. I owe some sorries to some family and friends. Mental diarrhea is bad. Denying mental diarrhea is worse. Giving people space has never been a point in my life, not with previous experience nor my parents. That’s something that’s being learned right………Now!
Don’t criticize condemn or complain.
Also, smiles are free, space is unlimited, and friendships are priceless... well what if I have a lot of money, i could.... No you dumbwad, Friendships are priceless. Simon, you have a lot to learn…..

(blog continued on the next day's blog)

=)

So today is Jan 2, and I havent blogged since .. (presses backspace to view last blog) late Nov. I am really sick right now, coughing + fever + stuffy head + lecturing mother + kind-of-sickness-that-you-can't-do-any-work-the-next-day kind of sickness. I should have studied Pharmacology so that I can create a new Vicks medecine. There's currently Vicks Nyquil and Vicks Dayquil but I think the modern era needs Vicks Momquil. Vicks momquil would cure all the stuff of Vicks nyquild and dayquil but would also allow the patient to ignore their mother's rambling at will. To be honest, just...... *sigh* *frustration!!!*

What you just read was written yesterday at 10 am, and what you are reading right now is being written at 1:00 (Jan 3) the next day.

I just got back from happiness and smiles with all my friends from Western. =) It was really good to see you all after a Christmas holiday of sickness and work haha. Sorry to Hiram and Phila for making you two wait so long for me =(. After we arrived at FMP, we all ate at Congee wong then saw the 3 hour victoria-suggested movie "The Good Shephard."

Just seeing everyone together, happy and laughing (this may sound corny) makes me smile on the inside. To know that everyone had a good time and enjoyed each other's good company is very comforting. Thank you everyone for your friendship and smiles =) and concern for my health. Reading all that spam email with the random "get well soon" in it meant a lot to me. Seeing all you guys (and girls, but i still discriminate against them) is ...........*sigh* *happy smile* *elgin look* haha