Why I cry myself to sleep
Its 12:22 am of Sunday morning and I was about to fall asleep when I looked at my MSN list and found a few people of which I just want to let them know how much they mean to me. Some of these people lie in the tiny house of 51-7, others raise the roof with their height, still others just can't be missed by the volume of their voice. Of course, as a 21 years old, male (this is a key factor) and prideful, I don't say anything and just go "busy" status.
Socially speaking, if youre friend just told you, "I just wanna let you know how much you mean to me," if you're a girl you would think "WTF HE BROKES THE RULES OF! OF!.... Of social normallness! Omg creepazoid, is he telling me he likes me?" Or if you're a guy "huh? ok... simon, u saying you wanna dota?"
I don't know why, but during the summer, and just every so often, I cry myself to sleep, like tonight (saturday) for instance, like yesterday (friday)... lying on a familiar but foreign mattress studying the celing in the silence of the night, i feel a hot tear slide down the left cheek. Not quite sure why.
Given the 4 months of solitude in London, I've come to realize that I exude an aura of self-determination, ambition, and desire to learn. Really on the inside, i'm just a little boy crying for attention, crying for mommy to pick him up after eating a dirt sandwhich.
I'm quite conflicted with how I used to treat my parents and how God has shown me to treat them now. A little bit of self hate has come to play, while ambitious self-rectification sort of exfoliates the old ways.
Speaking of exfoliating, thank you shirley, justine, cindy, and vivian for getting me that Hawt Leopard lufa. If it's ok, i'd like to use this as an example of something.
For example, upon receiving such a lufa, as any typical guy would say, "Omg it's so gay," and do all sorts of things to show dissatisfaction that his friends would purchase him such a "gay lufa." So to add some humour to the situation, I play that typical male, and show those signs of which are so typical of a "guy," causing shirley and a few others to have a light laugh. To be honest, it's mostly just a facade. Really, i'm just grateful you remembered and put so much funny thought into purchasing such a scantilly coloured piece of bodily wash cloth.
Most of the things that I say, that I do, have to be witty, or funny in some way. Maybe I had a bad childhood? =p I think I owe everyone an apology whenever I say something funny or witty because most likely, I'm doing it to grab attention. So! For future reference, Sorry I i'm saying something funny or witty and it seems like i'm doing it to grab attention!
Ok Last bit of thought before I have to sleep to go to church today. Given today's social boundaries, I find it extremely difficult to tell people how much they mean to me, whether it be a girl, your old roomates, or a friend in China who taught you the meaning of Jesus.
We'll screw that. If I happen to die tomorrow, should God feel it is time, I just wanna let you know you mean something to me whether or not you know it. I don't give a damn about stupid social boundaries. If i could hug you forever and let you know that you are like the family I wish I had all my life, I would do it. If I DON'T happen to die tomorrow, and I continue to live, I hope that my silly banter and stupid talks can bring a smile to your heart. If it does, I could die happy.
Socially speaking, if youre friend just told you, "I just wanna let you know how much you mean to me," if you're a girl you would think "WTF HE BROKES THE RULES OF! OF!.... Of social normallness! Omg creepazoid, is he telling me he likes me?" Or if you're a guy "huh? ok... simon, u saying you wanna dota?"
I don't know why, but during the summer, and just every so often, I cry myself to sleep, like tonight (saturday) for instance, like yesterday (friday)... lying on a familiar but foreign mattress studying the celing in the silence of the night, i feel a hot tear slide down the left cheek. Not quite sure why.
Given the 4 months of solitude in London, I've come to realize that I exude an aura of self-determination, ambition, and desire to learn. Really on the inside, i'm just a little boy crying for attention, crying for mommy to pick him up after eating a dirt sandwhich.
I'm quite conflicted with how I used to treat my parents and how God has shown me to treat them now. A little bit of self hate has come to play, while ambitious self-rectification sort of exfoliates the old ways.
Speaking of exfoliating, thank you shirley, justine, cindy, and vivian for getting me that Hawt Leopard lufa. If it's ok, i'd like to use this as an example of something.
For example, upon receiving such a lufa, as any typical guy would say, "Omg it's so gay," and do all sorts of things to show dissatisfaction that his friends would purchase him such a "gay lufa." So to add some humour to the situation, I play that typical male, and show those signs of which are so typical of a "guy," causing shirley and a few others to have a light laugh. To be honest, it's mostly just a facade. Really, i'm just grateful you remembered and put so much funny thought into purchasing such a scantilly coloured piece of bodily wash cloth.
Most of the things that I say, that I do, have to be witty, or funny in some way. Maybe I had a bad childhood? =p I think I owe everyone an apology whenever I say something funny or witty because most likely, I'm doing it to grab attention. So! For future reference, Sorry I i'm saying something funny or witty and it seems like i'm doing it to grab attention!
Ok Last bit of thought before I have to sleep to go to church today. Given today's social boundaries, I find it extremely difficult to tell people how much they mean to me, whether it be a girl, your old roomates, or a friend in China who taught you the meaning of Jesus.
We'll screw that. If I happen to die tomorrow, should God feel it is time, I just wanna let you know you mean something to me whether or not you know it. I don't give a damn about stupid social boundaries. If i could hug you forever and let you know that you are like the family I wish I had all my life, I would do it. If I DON'T happen to die tomorrow, and I continue to live, I hope that my silly banter and stupid talks can bring a smile to your heart. If it does, I could die happy.
posted by Simon at 9:21 PM
1 Comments:
so... did you tell them or just post this blog?
Post a Comment
<< Home