Tickle me emo

It's (soon going to be) the most wonderful time of the year

2008-10-29T00:40:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: As you read this blog, things in round brackets ( ) are my own thoughts as I write it. Also, as you read, everything in here is written with a smile, a grin, and a wink (<-- thus my eyelids will be tired by the time u are done reading this) so, just like always, for anything I say, take it like I'm half joking and half serious. Or read this with some serious grains of salt. Death, divorce, and desire. BAM! Ok, I know i've written tons of sad stuff lately (well i only ever write about sad stuff) and the title of this article doesn't lend itself to emotional depression, but I am super sexy happy. Why and what the heck is "super sexy happy" ? Well for starters 1) I had my exams moved to ownage dates 2) It's snowing outside (<--- I just wanna curl up like Playboy Batman (the name of a loving cat from a sweet little house =) 3) Its 3:42 am Wednesday October 29, 2008, and I am in the Spring of my academic youth! (Actually, I have an exam today and I'm mega unprepared) Continuing on with the definition of "super sexy happy..." For starters, if you are ANYONE who WOULD read this blog, I'm guessing you'd be like ">.> uh... yes.." AND THEN! This would be your "characteristic" response

Jeff - >.> <.< Uh.. no its, no its ok, its OK simon! Ill just have the normal happiness *severe nodding*
Hiram - >.> Uh... no thanks, not so much hehehe (<--- ackward laughter) SO!....
Justine - REALLY?! Really simon?! Super sexy happy? HAHahahahahahehehe.....It's ok dear
Shirly - *quirkly* Teehee... boys are dumb (mommy smile =)
Vivian - *bats her bad-boy-eyelashes with as much might as she can muster!*
Cindy - (I'm having a lot of trouble on this one. Part of me predicts "What? How is that even possible?" followed by unanimous chiming in of roomates agreeing that 1) boys are dumb 2) see other point) or maybe (ackward silence! This would be the worst, and I hope... one day..., to mend that gap =) or maybe some pseudo debate of which will end in emotionally repressed body language and diction) (<--- implications!)
Roger - Who are you?
Pam - Would you like some more pie, love?
Joe chan - Simon Nigger muffin you need to get a life. HHEHEHEHEHHAAHAHAAAAAAAA (<-- shut up joe)
Jason - Dota?
Lei - OooooooOOoo for the longest time... Ooooo....EEEHHHHHHHHHHHH???!!!!
Christina - (Xena, this is what you would say as we attempt to make "normal" conversation) OMG simon why do you make people feel so ackward? It's ok though, i do the same, we're kinda similar like that. YEH YEH! *fist bump*

Funnies aside
My past weeks since the end of retreat have been terrible:
1) Death - my grandma is dying, and I am emotionally torn between cold shoulders and hot tears. As much as you're told to hate her, and desipse all she has done and stood for, how can you hate someone when you see them dying? With the half shaven head, the rashes on the arm, the inability to even open your eyes, or speak, needles sucking out blood, i don't know..... I lost all composure when i saw her
2) Parents - I've had it up to here with you two. If my dad, EVER, utters again that he's going to divorce my mom, i'm going to tenderize him with my fists and kill him with irony (I.E. Drop an iron piano on him). If my mother utters again, why "she has to be a douche" I will tenderize her with my words and negatively inhibit her characteristics using Jeff's diagnostic personality (<-- this part was an inside joke + biochem, but it doesn't make sense anyway, i'm just angry...)
3) Girl problems - I'm torn between what I like, what I want, and what is going on COMBINED WITH what once was, what is now, and what could have been. It's like wearing two different prescription contact lenses; I just... no matter how hard you try, how much you want to tell her, you're just not sure if it's her because you're blind to both reality and affection because you're not sure which, if either lense, is the correct prescription.
4) Midterms - It's midterms.

In the mean time, the past 2 weeks has taught little Simon, what friendship means (<-- i haven't come up with a super sexy definition of friendship, but when i do... for sure i'll do another post =)
In no particular order, thank you:
Hiram, Joe, Lei, Kevin, Cindy, Shirley, Justine, and Vivian, and Hikari and Abbey (now the frindge people =p, most of which will prlly never know this blog existed, but are just as kind, and caring) Lydia, Lawrence, Andre (e accent egue) and Pak (my 3rd other half, making a total of three other-halves so far, and, ond day, if I find the cute, little Mrs *smiles and dreams away...*, i will have a 4th other-half, making a grand total of 3 me's, where the 3 consists of me + hiram + b-chan + Pak + whoever-jeff/hiram-feel-sorry-for-that-dated-and-married-me)

it's 4:30 am, and I have to study =)
Thank you for deciding to read my blog. You have great taste =D. Enjoy the snow

Simon

Why I cry myself to sleep

2008-09-13T21:21:00.000-07:00

Its 12:22 am of Sunday morning and I was about to fall asleep when I looked at my MSN list and found a few people of which I just want to let them know how much they mean to me. Some of these people lie in the tiny house of 51-7, others raise the roof with their height, still others just can't be missed by the volume of their voice. Of course, as a 21 years old, male (this is a key factor) and prideful, I don't say anything and just go "busy" status.

Socially speaking, if youre friend just told you, "I just wanna let you know how much you mean to me," if you're a girl you would think "WTF HE BROKES THE RULES OF! OF!.... Of social normallness! Omg creepazoid, is he telling me he likes me?" Or if you're a guy "huh? ok... simon, u saying you wanna dota?"

I don't know why, but during the summer, and just every so often, I cry myself to sleep, like tonight (saturday) for instance, like yesterday (friday)... lying on a familiar but foreign mattress studying the celing in the silence of the night, i feel a hot tear slide down the left cheek. Not quite sure why.

Given the 4 months of solitude in London, I've come to realize that I exude an aura of self-determination, ambition, and desire to learn. Really on the inside, i'm just a little boy crying for attention, crying for mommy to pick him up after eating a dirt sandwhich.

I'm quite conflicted with how I used to treat my parents and how God has shown me to treat them now. A little bit of self hate has come to play, while ambitious self-rectification sort of exfoliates the old ways.

Speaking of exfoliating, thank you shirley, justine, cindy, and vivian for getting me that Hawt Leopard lufa. If it's ok, i'd like to use this as an example of something.

For example, upon receiving such a lufa, as any typical guy would say, "Omg it's so gay," and do all sorts of things to show dissatisfaction that his friends would purchase him such a "gay lufa." So to add some humour to the situation, I play that typical male, and show those signs of which are so typical of a "guy," causing shirley and a few others to have a light laugh. To be honest, it's mostly just a facade. Really, i'm just grateful you remembered and put so much funny thought into purchasing such a scantilly coloured piece of bodily wash cloth.

Most of the things that I say, that I do, have to be witty, or funny in some way. Maybe I had a bad childhood? =p I think I owe everyone an apology whenever I say something funny or witty because most likely, I'm doing it to grab attention. So! For future reference, Sorry I i'm saying something funny or witty and it seems like i'm doing it to grab attention!

Ok Last bit of thought before I have to sleep to go to church today. Given today's social boundaries, I find it extremely difficult to tell people how much they mean to me, whether it be a girl, your old roomates, or a friend in China who taught you the meaning of Jesus.

We'll screw that. If I happen to die tomorrow, should God feel it is time, I just wanna let you know you mean something to me whether or not you know it. I don't give a damn about stupid social boundaries. If i could hug you forever and let you know that you are like the family I wish I had all my life, I would do it. If I DON'T happen to die tomorrow, and I continue to live, I hope that my silly banter and stupid talks can bring a smile to your heart. If it does, I could die happy.

"I feel sorry for your kids" the quirky version!

2008-03-01T03:23:00.000-08:00

I think Hiram has said this to me on countless occasions. Everytime I do or say something I believe to be cause for raucus laughter, Hiram says, and Jeff chimes in agreement, "Simon, I feel sorry for your kids."

This is then followed up by by Jeff saying "Why are you so GAY?" "F-f-f-f-raaaaaggot!"

Simon: Don't you think Jeff is a fraggot Hiram?

Hiram: No I'm pretty sure you are. Jeff is normal, but you are gay. I mean, at least he's now got a girlfriend finally, but you are married to Brian. I mean, wtf?"

Simon: >.> ----------------------- (Hiram) + (Jeff) .... *SNIFFLES*

Haha, so this is the norm of our house. But it's pretty cool because Hiram and Jeff are like two older brothers who keep me up, either in emo ness or responsibility and even though they call me fraggot and "can't believe that they are living with me." they still manage to somehow look out for me. *Giggly girl smiles*

Even though I've never met anyone like Hiram or Jeff before, I can't imagine life without em either.

During my conversations with Grace, I remember mentioning, like a proud 6 year old boy running home to show mommy his first A+, about how I was/am living with 2 super guys called Hiram and Jeff... 2 older bros in Christ who joke, punch, call me fraggot, but ultimately look out for me in some magical way. Heee! xD

THUS! It makes me sad that it's the END of 3rd year cause verybody's growing up. Chia is going to doctor school, Grace will prlly follow suit, Hiram's lookin at houses, people are getting married, I STILL can't believe it's not butter,....and so on. What will I do as a job? How much money will I make? Funnily enough, marriage and things related to this idea have totally left me. Somehow, I've fallen in love with today just as it is and I don't want to go dating again and don't want anything to change.

I can just see the future now... I'll be that funny single Uncle Simon that all of Hiram, Jeff and Chia's kids look at, then I'll make em laugh with tickles, jokes, and bellying rubbing lolly popping smiles. I'll tickle the little girls, talk serious to the "grown up" boys, and play games with the little ones. Whether or not I am a father, a mother, or watever... makes no difference.

When the kids grow up, and if time and logistics allow (and assuming Hiram and Jeff don't tell their kids that Uncle Simon is a fraggot) then, i'll teach all the boys how to get girls =p and after that, we'll go rent a video game and have guy time =p lol. Similar to girl time, except NO SHOPPING ALLOWED! OR ELSE! The ultimate penalty!...of which will be decided by the winner of the card game 7-add-pig ...... D-D-D-DANG! <-- if you do not get this reference, please observe, in secret, Joe Lee and Jeffrey Cheung for the next two months

Also, this reading week, I somehow feel like I got to know Vivian a bit better, albeit unintentional. Funnily enough, I'll prlly go and study over at 51-7's house during the coming 2 months (platonic reasons of course). Hopefully, should ackwardoms be disregarded (*croses fingers* "please please please please please pretty please") I can grab some coffee or icecream in the warmer weather with her. IF YOU KNOW WHO THIS PERSON IS, do not make it anymore ackward than it already is, albeit this msg in itself is probably somewat ackward as it is hahaha =p. I guess you were right Hiram and Jeff, I also feel sorry for my kids too=p hahaha.

For those who do not know, it is ~ 7:30 am, and last night till 3 am this morning, we were playing the card games Bang, 7-add-pig, and had the most bestest of times ever. Call me weird, but I rarely experience the innocence of friendship and fellowship just as is and so I can see why some ppl enjoy living for their friends. I guess, my version of what I live for would be to make everyone laugh from the bottom of their toes to the tip of their top hats. Weird, ackward, or not, it's what I do and I hope people get a laugh from it. If you do NOT appreciate this ackwardness, please call 1-800-no-weird to cancel.

Be the change you want to see. Strive, learn, and grow. Be smart like snakes, but turn the other cheek. Do not worry for Tommorow will take care of itself. Everyone was a noob once, so be patient.

Simon

Just a little unsure

2008-01-31T17:30:00.000-08:00

A lot of the time we strive for things that we want and like. Of course, when we grow older, or I guess it's better to say, as we grow older, we learn, from hindsite, that the things we strived for in the past are all but "just the things we wanted at the itme." So, right now, at the age of 20, all of us young adults want to get married, have a good education to get a good job, and we aspire to grow, learn, mature and enhance ourselves, our lives, our experiences, and do this with the people around us, our family, our friends.

But, suppose we are 80, and we are at the ripe old age to die. Life is done, and we've made our mark on the things that matter, the people that matter.

So on our death bed, what would we say? What would we look back at? Do we look at all the things we accomplished? All the maturation we learn? All the work we've carved into the ground?

I don't know haha. It's hard to tell since, as with many things, to each their own. But! As it stands with my parents, my mother has this innate desire to grow and enhance herself while my father yearns to enjoy life as it is.

So I asked my mom, "What is it that you strive for in life? On your death bed, what will you think about? Is it all the things you've accomplished? All the money you've acquired through the knowledge you've learned? All the people you've helped? Or the people you just happen to share a laugh, a hug, or a smile with?"

Well my mother could not answer. But she said, the thing that amkes her happy in her life is the "Continuing to mature and always keep moving, keep growing," idea. Personally this is crap.

I agree but disagree at the same time. Yes, many things are beyond these walls of residence, Western, and the people here. But many more things are stuck in the PEOPLE, damn it, the people we meet here, and USING our maturity, USING our knowledge, to teach, to help these people and put that damn smile on their face... wow what a great world this would be. Mother dear, simply acquiring maturity is, in itself, immature. It's not like you use any of your maturity to help those closest to you. You are the worst.

Yes, it's true. So many of the guys and girls I met here in Western are nothing like the people of highschool. Ya ok, the standard of maturity, of knowledge, of understanding and appreciation of this world are so lacking... so undeveloped, it makes me sadly question how parents raise their kids.

BUT! HAHAHA! See, aside from all this crud, I'm just one man, just one person in this world of six billion, and like everyone, I have my own stories, and am insignificant in relation to anything of this world, or heaven. Thus, I feel, aside from my job to help my parents, and one day make my sister learn to care about our family, it's also my responibility to make em laugh heavy bellied from the bottom of their toes to the tip of their top hats.

I wish i could make people.... hehe laugh like they do on Friends, haha laugh like they do on Whose Line is it Anyway, and HAHA laugh like the way we are when our group of friends share an inside joke. I could live and die happy if I could make everyone enter and leave with a smile.

Mom and dad, I will continue to help you, I am your son afterall. I hope that one day I can make you two laugh together, either at me, or at olivia...*tear* maybe even for the first time ever, in the 20 years of my life... just *grimmace*.. Damn it, to hold hands, to make jokes, to laugh at and with each other. Damn it...

But...For now, I'll continue to do my labs, continue to read my books, and learn from my proffs. Continue to pray to God.

I love you guys...

Simon

Titles

2007-09-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

Titles are a funny thing :) *chuckles*. We humans make them so that we can put understanding and clarification to things that deny us the simplicity that we constantly look for. For instance, in physics, we give the name "gravity" to the extremely complex force that pulls everything down toward the ground. In organic chemistry, we say that carbon must always, and will always form 4 bonds (called the octet rule). But in organic chemistry we break these "octet rules" and come up with new rules, namely Valence Bond Theory and Molecular Orbital quantum theory.

All these titles.

We place titles on everything. Even Ivey has titled it's frosh week as the perfect "Fusion" of opportunity and um.. something else *forgots* =P. We give titles to the higher ups in companies, namely CEO, President, Chairman, etc. In any academic institution, the name "Dean" carries so much weight that as science students the Deans are more like Academic Deities than humans.

And we are born this way. In Canada, China, Germany, and around the world, we are born into this world; a world of titles.

But you know? The more I study at Western, the more I feel that there's no need for titles in this world. Sure, CV's need their credentials, and students need their marks, and what about a girlfriend or wife? I mean, like the titles wife, or girlfriend... how could you tell your friend that this girl means something to you if you didn't have the time to explain your feelings?
Ok. It is nice to add the name doctor to my name, ... hmm *thinks* Dr. Ng *chuckles* haha it's 4 letters, but the classification of everything is overdone.

But friendship, love, hate, and sadness. How could we ever put a title to these "feelings" ? Being around people you care and love... and learning the things you love and care about... wouldn't that be so much more?

Imagine... if we could all learn because we LOVED learning, because it's so darn cool to know! To excel, to expand, to understand and just sink your fingertips into the earth. CEO, PhD, Shadow Shaman, whatever. And if we could just care about others just because we do. Screw the rules about CV, about status, about looking good. Really, what does it matter? Maybe if we could love just because we do and not because we have to or feel obligated to... *grimaces* that would be the worst of all....

Titles are funny =). The tv show "Friends" implies friendship and good times, and hence the show is about such ideas. Someone from mainland China with the classifcation Chinese implies physically small, mentally sharp, and iron-tipped life-hardened grit.
A picture is worth a thousand words for a reason. Sometimes I wish we could live life using music and pictures instead of words to express ourselves. Maybe then we could all be ourselves.

And on that note, know how everyone says "She/He's different wen you talk to him alone or get to know em." Imagine if we could just be ourself from the moment we were born to the moment we die. That would be great.

*Grins and looks upper left to think* If we could live as ourself, learn everything we can, understand everyone we know, and love everything we touch, this world would be that much more magnificent (no mean people please =p)

Simon - 20 years old

Blogging

2007-09-25T10:03:00.001-07:00

I will blog after analytical chem 272a lab

First time for everything

2007-06-27T18:06:00.000-07:00

These past 3 days have just been crazy. I thought I'd be really happy to go to China and experience what it would be like to teach at a very "well named" facility. But really, when you get into it and your learn about it, you just get disappointed.

At first I thought it would be a good experience to go to China and teach English. The original plan of July and August was to get a summer job in Toronot by day and study MCAT by night. I really liked that idea. But then of course, MCAT's new systems, just like all newly implemented systems, doesn't work the first time around and has too many bugs, so of course, waking up 2 hours earlier to try registering for MCAT was a total waste of time and sleep. 'nuff said. Now it turns out I'm going to China to teach english, help set their marketing strategy, and help them plan their enlgish curriculum.

Yes, I'm supposed to appreciate it and supposed to look forward to it. And I do, though i'm sure if my mom ever found out how much I really resent this trip, she would absolutely slap me. No questions asked.

Right now its 9:45 pm and I have so much paperwork, books, articles, to study... all piled up on my desk, onto my laptop, even my bed; literally sleep in my work. I feel like a proff. It's the first time in my life that i feel just LOST and overwhelmed with my work. Like a little boy who can't get around without holding onto someone's hand.
Last week i remember reading the blog of a sweet little girl who wanted to run and hide in her pink bubble. Right now i'd give anything to run and hide in my blue bubble.... *waves goodbye to pressure*. Just to sit at home, worker by day, student by night, and all the weekends consumed with mindless laughter, gaming, and friends....

Whatever. See you guys when I do. *huggles*.......................

It's time to grow up

2007-06-26T07:07:00.001-07:00

It's time to grow up. I don't know why, but it's time to grow up. My friend's mother just died and he's in shambles. This guy was mad gangstaz, you know what i'm saying? He was all tight in his hood and playing like niggas but now it aint the same ride, you feel me?

Practically half the things I've ever done and said were done to keep things "in check" but they were never true.

I just wanna scream.

All the gaming, all the mindless activities. All the wasting time, has go to stop. Mom and dad, I swear i don't give a shit anymore between you two. Don't tell me your problems with your parents and your problems with each other.

Next year in 3rd year it will be different. No longer any gaming or wasting time or "trying to study." I'm going to study my stuff, and I'm going to church every Sunday and read everyday. ACF is NOT an option during exams and neither is lending a helping hand. I'm no longer going to have any "incentive" to do anything. It will be done because I care, because she is a "sister," because it's the "human" thing to do. MCAT's will be studied and I will be be able to teach the material by January!!

DAMN IT i wanna grow up.....maybe i just want to scream.

Yesterday was ... just makes me smile on the inside. It's so calming to be around people like you guys (you know who you are), practically live for your friends, and so into your own world. Feels like im the father patting the head of my little 12 year old daughter whose learning to make her way in the world. At the same time, feels like im the 5 year old son whose too huggy attched to mommy to let go. It's time to grow up.

*tear*... I love you guys.

A long time growing

2007-03-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

Solid moral fiber, a solid grasp of who you are, what you believe in, and why you do what you do!

I've been talking to Eldon recently about some stuff:
What motivates you? What do you consider friendship? What do you consider as real friendship? What's family to you? Why do you see it this way? What matters to you in life? How do you see yourself in 30 years?

Since grade three, I've been wondering where do you draw the line? The line between what you ask? I'm getting there =) just gimme a sec.

A while ago, I remember reading a verse in the bible that said If you have the capacity to understand someone, it is your responsibility to do so. On that same Sunday, Roger said that it is a SIN not to understand someone, not to show understanding to someone when you have the power and capacity to do so. Someone asked me, "Simon, what do you mean by show understanding?" Well here's the example I gave them. Imagine a little 4 year old chinese boy, who just started feeling pride and jealousy. As a four year old, he wouldn't understand this feeling, just that he feels hurt and must defend himself. As his mother or father, what would you do? You would hug your child and teach him that what he feels is called "Jealousy and Pride" and you would hug him because he was on the ground, in tears, frustrated that some other 5 year old bully in kindergarten pushed him face first into the dirt. Now, say your child who was 4 now grows up to be 5. If your child ever showed jealousy or pride to you at this age, what would you do? Would you talk to him as if he was 19 years of age? Or would you, as the mother or father, love your son with your velvet smile and hug?

As kids, when we were young, our parents showed us much understanding, because they were capable of it, and because they loved us. At that young age, our parents would never tear us down or show us their pride. As a Christian we always show our pride and jealousy to God, yet God, with his infinite wisdom, and capacity to understand us, continues to do so, and forgive us.

So, as a Christian, it is our duty to understand, our responsibility to show understanding to someone, when we are capable of it.
Given our current age, nobody ever questions about things like pride or jealousy. And when your friend gets hurt, even if she's a bit on the wrong side of the argument, you still pat her back, wipe away her tears, and try to transfer some of your love with a hug. That's showing understanding and compassion.

Yet most of our parents... we imagine them to be nagging and always telling us what to do.. blah blah blah................Yet... yet that's not what our parents do is it? Our parents love us with something more than we can imagine. I'm sure if you ever asked them... mom.. dad, if we were in Germany and back in World War II, and we were all hiding in different places and the Nazis caught you, and asked you to tell them where me and sister were, would you tell them? What if they tortured you? Cut off your nails? Your fingers? What if they gouged out your eyes and broke your teeth, tore off your appendages and impaled you on a pole? I'm sure they would say no... I remember asking my mom this when I was 5, and she said it doesn't matter what kind of torture they did, she would never say anything because she would protect her children until the day she died, I cried......

And with this love our parents want us to grow, to change, to become better people, better Christians. They support us and give us everything; their energy, their love, their life, without ever asking for return. They even get physically violent and wail on us, in hopes that we should learn quicker so that the world won't teach us the hard way.

Now I ask you, what is friendship to you? Sure, we can all go and have drinks, watch movies and party together.... but what else is there that binds friends together if not for fun and proximity? What if you two part ways, can you still stay friends? Or do you lose contact?

Hypothetical situation:
Your good friend argues with someone about something, and your friend is the sensitive type, but they were wrong in their point of view, yet they are the type who are easily hurt... what do you do?
Assuming that you have the full capacity to understand your friend b/c you've been in their mindset, their shoes, and their arguments before, what do you do?
Do you show understanding and compassion like you would to your 4 year old son? Or do you try to teach them, even if it puts your relationship on the line, like you would with your 19 year old son?

I am tearing for an answer....... searching away because I don't know the answer and I really pray that someone could help me.

For me, friendship is more than just movies, dinners, laughs, and a good time. When you are apart and no longer live near each other, what will keep your friendship? When your parents argue with each other, about dumb stuff like where they placed the dish or turning off the radio in the car (you know who you are =p) or about bigger things like how they should teach their kid (my parents do...) and it becomes ugly...............what keeps them together? When they aren't smiling at each other, and holding one another, what keeps those two together?

What does it really mean to be a friend to someone? Don't you want that person to grow up? As a 19 year old Chinese boy named Simon Ng, my definition of friendship is just that. You care enough about someone that you WANT them to change, to grow, to refine themselves. You WANT that person to succeed in life, to open their eyes to the world, to become closer to God. You WANT THESE THINGS FOR THEM! And you do it because you care, not because you have something to gain, not because this person might see you differently or because of your own pride, but because you care! Because this person means something to you! And you show it by REALLY trying to help that person for that person's own physical, mental, and spiritual growth.
But to DO ALL THIS! You HAVE TO somehow tell your friend that what he or she is doing is wrong... but how can you do this without hurting their feelings? Also, nobody likes to be criticized... so how can you do it? I don't know, but I've come to realize that when you really care about someone, as a friend or otherwise, sometimes you have to put your friendship on the line.

So, in one hand we have the idea of truly helping your friend grow to become a better person, but on the other hand, we have the responsibility to understand someone, to show compassion and caring.

My question is.... where do you draw the line? Where do you draw the line between showing that you care for someone by encouragements, hugs, and pats, and showing that you care for someone by really helping that person become a better person even if they don't want to? Honestly, If you just say that "o well it's too bad for that person, I'm not their parents" then perhaps I don't know.... let's not go there....

And yet, isn't this what our parents do? They love us and encourage us, yet when we do something wrong, especially during our age of rebellion and thinking we know a lot, they become harsh, mad, angry, and even physical... but they do it out of love. In the end, they want us to grow because they love us, and it doesn't really matter whether we, as their children want to grow or not, but they want us to, b/c our parents have gone through hardships, through tears and through the ugliness of the world, and so they don't want us to go through those same things.

So ya, that's something I've been struggling with since a long time ago. Where do you draw that line? If you really care about someone, don't you want that person to grow? To achieve? To become a better Christian? Yet, at the same time, we can't force these things and some friends are more sensitive than others. How do you tell someone they have a log in their eye when you have a frickin tree growing out of yours? Yet you see their log and you tell them not because you're trying to show you're better but because you care enough about him or her. . . .

Eldon said this is the point where we leave it up to God, for God to change their heart, for God to work within.
I'm praying about it. But in the meantime, I don't plan on giving up anytime soon. Cause for Simon Ng, friendship means that you REEALLY....... *pause* care about that person, and you'll care for that person in hopes that the seed you planted will bloom when Spring chirps on the nest just outside your friend's window.

Learning to Walk (season 2)

2007-01-26T08:54:00.000-08:00

Hey

Before you read this, listen to this playlist in no particular order while reading this blog. Seriously, make this play list and listen to it while reading =p it adds some effect haha:

Come Home Running
How Great is our God
O Praise Him
Grace like Rain
Indescribable
I'm Forgiven

I believe all these are by Chris Tomlin, cept for O praise Him, which is by David Crowder Band.

Something I realized in the last few days of my life. Something that feels as if God came down and whip-lashed my behind. *Rubs bottom.* Maybe I've been sitting too long and need to stretch a bit first before I continue this blog. *Stretches* *yawning => neck cracking => back cracks => grabs cup of milk => sips milk... little milk moustache remains*

What did I learn? What did I realize? The greater question is, what ISN'T there to learn? Nothing. Nothing isn't there to be learnt. We have so much to learn and grow. As humans, we will always enjoy our continual pursuit of emotional and spiritual maturity (and for some, physical maturity =p but let's keep this one on the down low).

But that's not what God threw at me. I just realized the reason to why I've lived my life as it has been from grade 7 up to Dec 31, 2006. Haha, I can't sum up all the little ups and downs (like my emo moments) but I've finally understood Simon Ng's motivation for his actions and why he lived as he did.

Since I was a little kid, I've always sought acceptance. Who doesn't? Haha, we all do. But I was one of those tiny asian kids who always got beat up, beat down, and spat on. Almost literally spat on if that guy had better spitting aim haha. GG. GG indeed lol. That's the reason why I started learning Karate (this explains my karate extra curricular).

All this while, my mother always pushes me, saying, "You must better yourself. Only you can improve yourself. If you don't care about yourself, who will? Nobody outside this house is going to push you, to tell you the honest truth. Learn how to talk, get what you want and get it done! Now... go work! If you work so hard, but in the end you have nothing to show, who cares? It is meaningless! Don't be like your father..." This is the reason for my character as it is today, the Simon that seeks to get things done, regardless of feelings or consequences.

My mother always told me to improve myself. Be Better. Be Smarter. Be Stronger. Taste the real world and I will understand. Understand the pain. Understand the cruelty. Understand the betrayal. Betrayal from friends, betrayal from your family and parents... This explains all the random extra curriular things I do. My skating, skiing, snowboarding, ping pong, tennis, swimming, ballroom dancing, summer science camps at SHAD, U of T Mentorship Program, DEEP program, public speaking camps, tutors, Self help books, tapes, etc.
Wouldn't it be nice to go up to anyone in the world, from any country, any background, any ethnicity, any financial situation, any political view, any religious belief.... wouldn't it be great to go up to anyone of this planet and strike up a meaningful conversation? Live with them, learn from them, feel their lives, and know that life in Canada is the most valuable and sought after of all lives on this world.
Appreciation.
Knowledge.
Leadership
Know-how.
Action.
Humility.
This is what my mother tried to instill in me. This explains all the random stuff I did/do.

Being asian, I went to extra math/english/french lessons. This explains all the extra academic lessons. Since my parents met in music school, music was in my blood. This explains my heavy music life + 4 hours/day practising.

When I was in gr 6, I started liking this girl in my music classes. If you know who she is, you probably know some of the back story. In any case, I was such a loser haha =p. So of course, my heart was broken. It was broken for..... about 2 years = depression + no family support + bad grades + finding pass times to keep me busy. This part is a pre-cursor to why I lived as the Simon Ng from grade 8 - Dec 2006.

From grade 8 onwards, I polymerized (yes polmerized! Got a problem? =p) all these past emotions into a new Simon Ng. Someone who sought acceptance. Someone who would get things done his way regardless of feelings/consequences or people. Despite the familial values instilled in me, I didn't care about my parents. Despite my mother's talk about passion, I thought nothing for others. Even though I went to a Catholic school where religion was law, I fell into a world of lies and deceit. Despite all the moral codes of which I lectured others about, I lived the opposite. After talking to some parents, they told me they wished they had a kid like me. I was a walking, lying, crying, prideful, hollow shell of humanity. I was fake.

I just wanted to be accepted. I couldn't understand why my heart was broken, or why people looked down on others, or why my best friend would betray when I was already suicidal. I didn't understand why God would ever let people feel such anxiety, such depression, such hate for one another.

From grade 9 - 12, people had no value to me. Imagine yourself, with a head as a box for your brain. Your eyes are receptacles for your head. Your ears hear. Your body moves, and your organs are just internalized compartments of juices and enzymes. Emotions are just hormones that tell you to feel things, but drugs and your own will can change that. Loving somone is not really love, but a rush of hormones that cause your cerebal cortex to shut down. When everyone cried, I smiled, when everyone laughed, I breathed hate. I became devoid of emotion, devoid of humanity. Who am I? Who is Simon Ng? When people cry, how come I can't understand? When they smile why am I so contemptuous? What does Simon Ng believe in? Why does he cry himself to sleep?

Acceptance. I just wanted to feel accepted. How come everyone around me is happy? Why am I so sad? Why is Simon Ng so lonely?
That's why we dress the way we do, talk the way we talk. For everyone of us, we each feel that what we are doing is 100% justified, at least in our own eyes at that time, otherwise we would have never done it. This explains why I listened to all those tapes, read all those books, attended all those classes. I just wanted to feel accepted, and to prevent myself from getting hurt again. I did all those things to find keys to unlock everyones mind and unravel their heart. Can you imagine? If you think about it, everyone you meet on this Earth can become a good friend of yours. Nobody you ever meet should become your enemy. You just need to know what to say and how to say it. THere is always something you can say to someone that will cheer her up, make him smile, make em laugh. A hug? A joke? A look? Diction, eye contact, sharing, resume, honour, strong will... what is it that makes this person laugh? What makes them cry? I could make people cry rivers. And like a river, hearts poured into my hand.

This is why I did all that, just to feel accepted............................Did all that...... at least until I met this amazing person, someone who woke me up from this nightmare, someone I met at SHAD. Thank you. Thank you. You are like a mother to me =p. I can't imagine if God didn't put you in my life. You set me straight, with an email, a smile, a hug, and a kiss. Thank you.

If you're reading this, I hope that 6 song playlist is still playing =p.

So ya, coming back from retreat, from men cell on wednesday, from an awesome time with small group on Thursday night made me realize why I did all that haha =). Well in anycase, I'm still learning to deal with my pride. Thank you God. Thank you God for putting all these people in my life and making me who I am. Feels like I just started emotional and spiritual puberty (still waiting for physical puberty). This probably sounds really terrible, but for the first time in a long while (except at SHAD =p) I actually care about people. Hahaha that's horrible. But it's the honest truth.

What it means to care about someone! You care about them!.............they cry, they smile, they joke and laugh. You just want to hold em, smile at them, make them feel better. You want the best for their life, you want them to achieve their goals, you want them to dream big, and you want to give them the power, the knowledge, and the wings to fly. You want them to know that you believe in them, that you care about them. It makes me you smile when they succeed, when they laugh, and when they build their own character. This is what I learned, the life I'm searching for.

Humbly yours

Simon

Pride all mighty

2007-01-22T12:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Heavenly Father

Coming back from retreat… You have taught me a lot. Retreat…. Retreat….I used to wonder if it was necessary. Do we really need to get away? Get away from the phones, the work, the life of the city student? Do these things really take us away from God? I’ve discovered yes! Yes it does haha. I know everyone knows that already, but personally for me, it’s a personal discovery =p. In anycase, Lord I thank you. Thank you for teaching me the humility that was so greatly needed in my life, humility to balance my hubris. Humility that … 30 minutes after I get home, my mother lectures me about how my attitude needs some changing, some adjustment, some change in the way I operate in order to be “truly” successful. For the first time in a ………………… long while, I feel just…. Unnaturally at peace. Sitting down in "mc dong dong eating big mac, felt so still, so settled, despite the coughing, despite the drama, despite the work. Finally learned that nothing really comes from myself alone. There is always Your work, Your hand in everything we do, everything we accomplish. It is so easy to be proud, stout, and full hearted of one’s own accomplishments. So easy to be haughty when looking and comparing someone’s accomplishments compared to your own. So easy….. or as D Lo would say, “Too Easy!” But this retreat sorta mega killed and OWNED me haha.

Many years ago, a good friend from grade school told me pride kills. He then proceeded to m-m-m-monster kill my pride. Who knew what pride really was back in grade four? He did. Of course, I did not believe him. Who at the age of 10 knows or really cares about pride? Sure we start to feel jealousy at that age, but at that age… so young… we don’t know what the source of jealousy is, the reason why we do unreasonable things.

Another dear friend, most recently, taught me the same thing. This time, however, at our age, 19 and 20, everyone knows WHAT pride is. We all know it does funny things to us, especially us of the male species. That tiny y chromosome, that which produces maleness in a human being, also produces so many other problems, so many other factors that turns homo sapiens into Neanderthals.

I don’t know if it’s God or fate but, right after retreat, for the first time in my life, my mother talked about how my way of looking at things focuses on things too small, things too little, pedantic views. Apparently she noticed this problem of mine since I was 4 years old. Such things that don’t matter but that I magnify. Such small things that make me unforgiving, so cold, so inhuman. I don’t know….. I don’t know if this is God, but I think so. I think it’s God telling me the same message of what I learned at retreat, what I learned in January, what I learned back in grade 4. Is it possible? I received this message four times over a decade? Maybe this time, God is telling me to learn it NOW because any later, and I might regret something… something that won’t be forgiven, something that can’t be taken back, something that I will regret forever, for the rest of life.

Even now I still have my pride. Pride in school, pride in music, pride in what I know and what I can do. Pride in my independence, pride in my life, pride in my way of understanding.

Even now I am still too full of pride. I still have a lot to learn, a long journey of maturity. Adulthood is now, but clearly, I have the mind of a child. I am not ready. Too ill prepared for so many things, too selfish in so many ways.

If only pride was a physiological body part, like your tonsils, that you could remove on demand. I bet there would be a high demand for it.

I have a lot to learn from everyone in my house. I am the most proud and that is not good. It’s so easy to be proud and full when you've lived in such an environment for so long. You travel that high road for such a long time, that…. When you look back, your tracks are gone, wind blown over the dirt. You don’t know how to go back, how to return home. All you can do is look forward, look towards the light, right?

O well, time for genetics tutorial. Thank you God, summit 04, mom, dad, and especially Elgin. I owe you all something that I can’t pay back…. at least I don't know how yet....

To be continued

In Christ
me

2007-01-18T17:56:00.000-08:00

Just got back from 1.5 hour cell bio review with the super special awesome TA, Logan, who took his free time to teach 600 of us bio nubs the lectures from Jan 8 - 17. Just got back from shopping: shopping for chocolate, chocolate for people, for person, for games. Need a haircut bad. Hair getting so long that the front sticks up vertically about 2 inches off my head.

The past two weeks of January came full circle with a little bit of something thrown in. Imagine a circular bacterial genome with some Viral DNA excised into it. Yes................. yes, that's why i study biochem =p. Or as Eldon would say, MEIOSIS!!!!

Never felt such a strong urge to work. There's that chinese saying... umm ... "Gum Jingh foh-awn -> Golden, fire eyes... ya.. something along those lines haha. In anycase, let's get back on track; past two weeks.

Week 1: Goodbye parents, hello Wrath. Goodbye friendship, hello Pride. Goodbye health, hello Coughing and Weezing................selfdestruct (subliminal reference just now). Goodbye God? Pffft.....No way! Prayed so much for.................................. for everyone.....for everyone, and for everything. Prayed for life to just fast forward. I've never asked for anyone to pray for me, but I will pray for you. So much internal turmoil. Organs jam, crack and shatter like an infant's skull.

I cried a lot. So many tears, could've fill an industrial sized Nalgene bottle. Imagine, Garra from Naruto carrying his sand around in that huge urn of his. I carried that huge Nalgene bottle, heavy with tears, all day and night strapped to my waist. I brought it to bed, to breakfast, to campus, and to class.

The tears taste like a foamy froth of green soured milk and black moulding meat. Unfortuneately, the Nalgene bottle was "made in China" and so it was leaky, allowing some of that delicious froth to spill onto the streets and other students. Should spent that extra $$ to get a better bottle. O wells.

Later in the week, I calm down.

Week 2: Back to my old self =D. With smiles, laughs, and laughter. Week 1 was like this. You know those kitchen sponges that you wash your dishes with? Take a brand new one, that's hard and brittle because it's dry. Imagine that rough, dry green texture and the porous yellow foam. Imagine the entire rectangle with its angular geometry. And in one shot......

Eat it.

Choke, Cough, Weeze, Throw-up-but-you-can't-gaggle. Face turns white, lungs cry, stomach vomits............but you can't.

Solution: Pray. Sleep.

haha anyways back to week 2: So ya, it's the second week and life's a bit different. Mom isn't emailing me 5 times a day since i'm getting everything she wants, done. People become people again, and one thing that's so awesome about you guys: Friendship

This spans from ACF to just everyone in general. Never could talk to anyone about anything. The people I've met this year..... I owe everyone a thank you, a sorry and another thank you.

I owe you thanks for your smiles, sighs, laughter, and warmth
Roomy talks, roomy hugs and stuff and such
Talks that last till 4 am, talks that prove guys aren't as blockheaded as girls say we are
Even when I frown you still smile
You ask "What's up?" even though you just asked me how i'm doing

If my heart had a little face on it, it's crying and smiling.

Always did everything alone, always walked to my own tune. Never had a shoulder to lean on, to cry to, to really laugh with. I thank God. Thanks Buddy, for your care and love, and for showing it through the family of Summit and friends abroad.

I O U.

In Christ
Simon

In the End - linkin park Ending

2007-01-09T21:13:00.000-08:00

I pray. I try to change my life, change my ways, change my attitutde towards people I meet, grow with, and ultimately care about. But in the end, it doesn't matter what I try, what I change, in the end I still screw up. What good does it do anyone if you try to change but in the end, it adds up to nothing? In the end you still end up messing up someone's life just as bad, just as hurtful as you messed up everyone else's before.
God I'm changing and I know You are effecting it. I used to do this for a living: fishing, eating, and throwing away bones. I used to be carefree, uncaring, unfeeling, cold. You are changing me God, and You are doing it in such an ackward way. I just.... Why do I feel so bad? I feel so terrible about it I can't eat or sleep. I can't even read two pages of genetics without deferring my attention. I can't even concentrate on what books I'm looking for in the bookstore.

God, You know what I have done. There aren't anymore lies, anymore stories, anymore plots or agenda. For the first time in a long while, just truth and honesty, and letting everything just be as it will be. And just......devastation. Why? I am changing, learning and growing, but it's so painful, it's just so much easier to run back to the previous life.......to run away from You.

Even when you try so hard to change, to make life better for everyone around you, you end up just screwing it up.....just........ya.... i owe an apology. A real one.

In the End - linkin park continued

2007-01-09T05:47:00.000-08:00

Read the blog previous to this one, at least the ending, to get a sense of where this one is going.

Simon's war with himself (about saying sorry):

Simon's response: I know I have a lot to learn dumbwad, but life isn't so easy and I've been through this before. Just becuase something happens doesn't mean you go changing the way you do things.

Simon's other half: I'm not asking you to shift personalities like before idiot, i'm just asking you to grow up and understand from ANOTHER point of view other than the ones you've accumulated over the years. Different people are different, roll with it.

Simon's response: I am who I am. Have some backbone jeez. What are you going to do? Think to yourself that you don't know who you are and why you do what you do, everytime someone comes along with a different opinion? That's like your mom and being so easily swayed by salesmen, then telling the rest of the family the "truth" about whatever it is.

Simon's other half: I'm not saying not to have backbone, but a truly mature person, a person with some real back bone will be truly humble, and truly understanding, universal understanding, so that missunderstanding and miss interpretation don't happen. Maybe you should pray about it. If an argument is created between two people, it is up the one who understands most, to respect and resolve the problem. Clearly, you are not ready to respect or resolve anything given your attitude. If someone comes along with a different opinion, open your damn ears and ACTUALLY listen. Don't say you do, and then not, hypocrite.

Simon's response: You're just a romatic sap you fag. You have NO IDEA what you want and why you do half the things you do. You're just a mature mind with an immature heart. Half the things you do aren't driven by backbone or what you want or need. It's driven by your desire to feel important, to feel accomplished, to "feel" or pretend that you understand when you don't.

Simon's other half: Many people in life are driven by the desire to feel important, accomplished, and understood. I'm just saying when you do it, do it with some understanding in your heart, and don't be as cold as you were before; clear cut and to the point. Not everyone you come across in your life will always appreciate that. Even your cold and clear cut parents don't appreciate when you do it back to them, especially your mom, even though she is so clear cut and cold about everything to you. But that's besides the point. Not everyone that you're going to meet will be similar to everyone you've met before. Grown, learn, and understand. You owe someone an apology and it doesn't matter whether you understand or not, because you did something wrong.
I've told you this before, communication is only as good as what the other person can understand. If you're saying onething, but something else is understood, it is YOUR fault for saying it incorrectly, not the other person for miss interpreting it. If a person makes a speech and only 99% understand what the speech is about, it is the speakers fault for confusing the 1%, not the 1% for miss understanding due to whatever reason. We've done this already a thousand times and then some. YOU'VE rehearsed these things a thousand times plus in your head. Maybe it's time for some application. Just because you're sick and pushed by your parents to the edge does NOT give you an excuse to mental diarrhea, even mom would tell you this, even though she does exactly that. It's not good to be stuck up, pretend you listen, pretend you understand, and then do all the opposite. Don't be full of pride, do say your sorries, and know that you've done something wrong to hurt another. Don't be like mom. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

Simon's response: Wow. F*** you. I don't need you to recite that shit about speaking to me. I came up with it, fag. I don't need to say sorry. Sure, yah, I need to learn and grow and change just like everyone else. But WOW! Who are you to tell me what to do when you've done all the same things yourself? You are no better than me to say anything about what I should do. Certainly, you shouldn't be telling me to say sorry when you're confused about it yourself.

Simon's other half: You're still a kid. Whether your 19 or 20 doesn't make a difference. Both of us know that we expect each other to be fully grown up by 20. But given the things that you just said, you've still got quite a while. I'm sorry you don't feel the need to apologize. But I do. I was going to quote the bible for you, but I don't think you care.....

Simon's response: I just .... don't..... CARE! I don't give a SHIT what happens to this situation. I'm just glad to be at Western and glad to be away from home. I know you are too. What's wrong with you? Just sit back, relax and work. It's also so much easier this way to concentrate on school anyway. We've been through so many situations like these before, just do what you always did and fix it up.

Simon's other half: *sigh* We've also been through this 1000 times. You have to care. You're being too cold. It's what humans do. It's what's part of being a Christian, caring for your brothers and sisters in Christ and honouring our parents. kk we need to work on the parent thing, but ya....hurting someone, regardless, is not acceptable, and you and I both know YOU can't sleep with this. It's not who you are and it's not in you to hurt someone and leave it like that. You have 25 examples. I don't need to go into detail. Do unto other as you would them do unto you. Foo.

Simon's response: Fine, I am sorry, and I do feel like crap so what? I don't need to say anything. I haven't done anything wrong and from both our perspectives we still believe I am right.

Simon's other half: I know you better than you know yourself. If you're anything of what I am, you don't have it in you to just walk away like your father always does. Grow up. Friends needs space, and friendships are priceless, THAT you also know. I also don't need to go into detail about that one for you either, nor do I need to draw examples from mom or dad. You betrayed someone and you owe them something.....

Proverbs 10:13 - 14 Wisdom is found on the lips of him who has understanding, but a rod is for the back of him who is devoid of understanding. Wise people store up knowledge, but the mouth of the foolish is near destruction
Proverbs 12:1 Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, But he who hates correction is stupid

Simon's response: -_- Just.. "say hoi"

In the End - linkin park

2007-01-08T21:29:00.000-08:00

(12:30 am)

Ya life is a pretty general topic. Sometimes you learn and sometimes you get burned. When all is said and done, and you're looking back nostalgically on your life, what do you see? What do you hear? Anything? A face? A voice? A hand? Touch?

I don't know. Sometimes I believe I have everything in life figured out to the dot. Parents, people, friends, and tests. Turns out life isn't so simple. So many things, so many factors just all jumble up into a frustrated, red-lettered squiggle on the wall.

Just when I thought everything was finally chugging along like a well oiled train: With God, with my parents, with people around me. with my schooling and marks, and with my direction in life. Just when life feels flowery, relaxed, and dreamy, everything burns in flames, and the train de-rails onto the ember fields like a metallic snake burnt alive.

1) My parents:
I love you guys, but mom, you push me over the edge. I just want to hear you say you're proud of me. Just once, and maybe a hug or two. Is that too much to ask? Sorry I let you down for the business project, calling the profs, etc. Yelling at me while sick isn't going to make you yell at me less is it? Prlly not. Maybe next time we can try to talk things out face to face without one person talking and one person talking it up the wazoo for three consecutive hours, five days in a row. And then you get mad at me for getting Bronchitis and tell me that I'm wasting my time sitting on my bed when I should have been working or studying when I have a fever of 101.9. You also whip yourself into a rage and are so full of pride sometimes I just..... GAH!!!!
Thanks dad. You're sometimes supportive, except when you're not. I can't say or know what you think if you never tell me. You're always so into your own world, your own decisions, your little phrases, it just drives me nuts. The entire world is out there, and you're into yourself alone and omnipotent of your own affairs. Always have to ask you something twice, or say it twice because you never hear anyone of us because something is always playing inside that little head of yours. You're so oblivious to the world around you and to what people think, do and say. I'm sometimes so ashamed that you're my father. Can't you just pay attention for once?
I'm not interested in either of the problems that you guys have between each other. Please don't insinuate the other in front of me and then tell me to fix it up later when your marriage is breaking down. I'm not interested in that anymore. If you're going to compare me to my sister then do yourself a favour, draw a line down the page and compare us on paper. Stop bringing all the negative points about each other to yours kids. Neither of us care about it anymore and we're not going to be there to solve your petty squables anymore. Grow up the both of you.

2) Friends and then some life:
Well its looks like I totally blew this one out of the sky. All I can say is, you don't know what you don't know. And I thought I had life and relationships of life totally figured and known where nothing would be surprising, and everything would be as it always has been. Clearly, this approach does not work. If life was that simple, we would all be doctors, lawyers, and philosophers knowing the keys to every human heart, mind, and pin numbers to every bank account.

For such a long time of my life, I tried to mold keys to people’s hearts and minds. Something I learned from Bio 022 last year, "It always works, except when it doesn't." Such a long time spent, hours writing, days grinded, sleep lost, tears shed. All so that I could always understand someone faster than they understood me. Playing a game of cat and mouse to someone's heart and mind before they got to yours. And truthfully, that DOES always work, except when it doesn't. But even when it works...is this way of life just? Can I look back and say that I've accomplished something? Is it the Christian way of life? The answers are: No, 4 (scaled 1 - 10 with 10 being most accomplished act EVER), and No. That way of life is not correct, it is not something to look back with proud eyes, and it is certainly not Christian. So,

I learned from the dark ages and evolved to the Renaissance. So ya, second year, second life, second house. So I go in with a smile, a suitcase and a heavy sigh. Time to rectify my misdeeds, learn from my mistakes, and not hurt anyone anymore. Or so I thought.
Couple months pass and friends develop and flourish. Some grow a little stronger than others. Some just sit there like a log. In anycase, the point is, some grow a little stronger.
So now I tiptoe through the hallways of life and it feels like I'm walking on eggshells all day long. Some people are asleep, some people are awake, and some friends are at the end of the hall way waiting for me to grow up. So i tiptoe down the learning curve and I reach the end, resolute and accomplished. I throw my arms up in the air in a victory salute, but someone kicks me in the nuts and I fall.
It wasn't a clear kick, so I fall to the ground, green vomit on my green pants. So i haul myself back up and look back. Looking back over my shoulder, it is only then that I realize. Wow, in that process from going from here to there, I thought it was totally fine, I thought nobody was awaken, nobody got hurt and none of the egg shells cracked. But.....
Life's not that easy Simon. All the eggshells are cracked, battered and bruised. Everyone has awoken to my dimwittedness and stupidity. Everyone is in an uproar and Life's hallway suddenly filled with an angry mob.

(1:00 am)

What did I do?
Plenty.
Of course nobody blames themselves for it. Drawing from past historical evidence, I conclude that it is the fault of everyone else and none of my own. But I am wrong. How can I use the past to equate the present? I thought I could, but realize now I can't. I can only learn from the past, learn so that I never repeat it in that way. I can sort of build an antibody to it. But that doesn't mean I am prepared for the present. Does an antibody prepare the body for a new pathogen? Nay, it only protects and prevents infections from old pathogens, old mistakes, old sickness.
Just because all of my past was shaped like a ball doesn't mean that everything that I encounter now a days will be ball shaped too. I guess, I started making ball shaped molds to fit the shapes, and it just so happens that most of the shapes I encountered up till now, were near circular in shape. Sorta like enzyme lock and key model. It's an induced fit of similarly shaped substrates. But what does your body do, when you encounter a new protein? A new lipid? Or if you're lactose intolerant? What does your body do? It vomits in the only way it knows. Diarrhea.

Ya, I had some mental diarrhea there, the kind that's long, loud, and wet. So after walking on egg shells, causing an angry mob, and releasing some mental diarrhea, I forgot two things.

1) Wipe up after myself.
2) Learn that the mess was my fault.

So what if your body encounters a protein that it doesn't have an enzyme for? Deal with it! Obviously I'm going to have some diarrhea sooner or later, but at least learn to control it to a slow and smooth flow rather than a gushing fecal flood gate.

Well then, sometime after that ordeal I start mopping the hallway of life, angry mob still behind me. With my tail between my legs, I slide the mop back, and forth, back and forth.
Ya, I do feel sorry for making such a mess, and for creating such a ruckus with an angry mob ready at a stabbing's notice. But I am sorry. I don't understand what I haven't seen before. I don’t know what I don’t know. I've always done what it takes to stay one step ahead of everyone, and now that I don't, it seems to blow up in my face. Like I said before, you don't know what you don't know. This was something I was totally unaware of. Is it my fault? mhmm, because I did something that was out of my understanding. I don't know how to listen to people when they do or when they don't talk. I thought all my points of view were factual and unbiased. CLEARLY, that is never true (duh). I owe some apologies for my negligence, my stubbornness and mental diarrhea.
Seems just when I thought I was mature in learning, and came full circle in understanding the construct of things, everything just .... bleh's all over the ground.

Honestly, it feels like God's left me again. Why does He always do these things to me? Why break down everything only to have it painfully rebuilt? Why do You bring everything to life, then blow it up, full force (most delta negative rxn), and burn my face along with it? For the 3rd time?

haha I don't know. All I know is my face feels a little hot, haha. But God you understand. But even as You know, it does not excuse me from my lack of understanding before. What can I say? I am sorry, I have never known it to turn up that way. On the other hand, as a receiving party, I get my own mental diarrhea all the time. I get it from my parents (“long winded” mom), and some good old friends, so as Simon, it’s a natural daily phenomenon. One thing is for sure, what one learns from the past, stays in the past. It is only the lessons that carry on. Don’t apply the same thing to the present. And one other thing, never assume anyone is like yourself, or that someone is ok with something you are doing unless u know for sure. Listen, learn, and be humble. Don’t push, don’t stab, or be impatient.

Simon, here are a few things you need to learn, my dear:
Clean up your own Diarrhea
Grow up
And always bring paper towel incase you have mental diarrhea

Listen to the stabbing angry mob because the mob is mad for a good reason
Be patient
And Wait your turn

Know what you want and know what you need
Don’t let it loose on someone just because you are sick
Just… grow up please, you’re almost 20

(1:53 am)

My response:
Fine
Ill clean up, grow up
And bring a paper towel

Ill listen to the angry stabbing mob, but just because
Ill be patient and wait my turn

And of course I know what I need or want, or I wouldn’t pursue it
And ya, k, maybe I do let loose on someone when I am sick and pushed, but
I am grown up, you fag, you grow up yourself!

What I learned from it all:
Still got a lot to learn. I owe some sorries to some family and friends. Mental diarrhea is bad. Denying mental diarrhea is worse. Giving people space has never been a point in my life, not with previous experience nor my parents. That’s something that’s being learned right………Now!
Don’t criticize condemn or complain.
Also, smiles are free, space is unlimited, and friendships are priceless... well what if I have a lot of money, i could.... No you dumbwad, Friendships are priceless. Simon, you have a lot to learn…..

(blog continued on the next day's blog)

=)

2007-01-02T22:35:00.000-08:00

So today is Jan 2, and I havent blogged since .. (presses backspace to view last blog) late Nov. I am really sick right now, coughing + fever + stuffy head + lecturing mother + kind-of-sickness-that-you-can't-do-any-work-the-next-day kind of sickness. I should have studied Pharmacology so that I can create a new Vicks medecine. There's currently Vicks Nyquil and Vicks Dayquil but I think the modern era needs Vicks Momquil. Vicks momquil would cure all the stuff of Vicks nyquild and dayquil but would also allow the patient to ignore their mother's rambling at will. To be honest, just...... *sigh* *frustration!!!*

What you just read was written yesterday at 10 am, and what you are reading right now is being written at 1:00 (Jan 3) the next day.

I just got back from happiness and smiles with all my friends from Western. =) It was really good to see you all after a Christmas holiday of sickness and work haha. Sorry to Hiram and Phila for making you two wait so long for me =(. After we arrived at FMP, we all ate at Congee wong then saw the 3 hour victoria-suggested movie "The Good Shephard."

Just seeing everyone together, happy and laughing (this may sound corny) makes me smile on the inside. To know that everyone had a good time and enjoyed each other's good company is very comforting. Thank you everyone for your friendship and smiles =) and concern for my health. Reading all that spam email with the random "get well soon" in it meant a lot to me. Seeing all you guys (and girls, but i still discriminate against them) is ...........*sigh* *happy smile* *elgin look* haha

Why?

2006-11-26T12:28:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I ask God, why did You put this person in my life? Why do people trust each other? Hurt each other? Kill each other? Love each other?

Sometimes I ask God, why do You make two people hate each other? Why do You make them fight each other? Eye each other? Harass each other?

Sometimes I ask God, why do You make parents love their kids so much? Why do parents love kids so intensely? Why do parents hurt us so immensely?

Sometimes I ask God, why do You break friendships when forming new ones? Why do You break bonds that are dear to others? Why do You allow us to be hurt?

Sometimes I ask God who do we owe this thank you to? To whom do we owe this maturation? To whom do we deliver our knuckle sandwhich to?

Sometimes I ask God, how do You intend to make this help us? How do You intend to make this strengthen us? How does this fit into Your grand design?

Sometimes I think I have learned: These things were mean't to hurt us, to bind us, to teach us, to find us

Sometimes I think I have learned: Why God put her in my life, why God put people through such strife, why God hardens others' hearts, why God does what He does in our life

Now I know: In hind site we are our experiences, in hind site we learn to grow, in hind site we learn from others' misdemeanors, in hind site..... we are filled with sorrow

Now I know: Why God put her in my life, why God put ppl through such strife, why God makes people fight each other, why God teaches you and I to trust one another

Now I know....... God loves us all, He would never let us fall, if we just learn to trust His grace, and learn to seek His face

Now I know....... God teaches us grandly, through hurts, bruises or even profanity, by broken heads, hearts, and soiled souls, these things one day will help us roll

Now I know....... "Through wisdom a house is built, And by understanding it is established; By knowledge the rooms are filled With precious and pleasant riches" Proverbs 24: 3 - 4

Tickled to life

2006-11-05T11:52:00.000-08:00

=) So we just finished biochem yesterday (Saturday from 7 - 10 pm) . It was Cold!! (with a capital C) in Thames Hall Gym, and it didn't go as smoothly as hoped. Had a lot of questions where I had to deduce the answer with only 70.33repeating-of-course% certainty >_< and some others i was like "Erh??" (with capital E). (With capital M & D) I now have Mental Diaherrea, and am preparing for stats! But I'm glad that everyone has it over with now... Perhaps people can feel less stressed now, more patient, more cheerful, Smile more hmm? =)

After reading 75.8% of I kissed dating goodbye, I put that book down and started reading Boy Meets Girl. But on Rachel's recommendation, I think ill finish the first book first before delving too deeply into the second one. After today's sermon, I woke up again to the fact that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to following the path of God. The past month... I hope that I've opened up to everyone, and God. I think I am >_< but I can't analyse in first person =p haha. Thank you everyone, again, for waking me up. Thanks God for Your grace and understanding =) and for showing it through all my brothers and sisters.

On another note:

HAPPY BIRFDAY HIRAM WONG!!! Jeff and I cleaned up the house today for you and your parents haha ^_~ WOW CLEAN DOORWAY! WOW CLEAN(er) BATHROOM (top one only)! WOW CLEAN KITCHEN! WOWase! <== This is why I am in Biochem

Good luck if you still have exams!

In God we trust? =D Fo sho!!
Simon

Swimming in Vaseline

2006-10-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

So its Saturday and I woke up at 12:30 pm because I slept at 5 am this morning. Woke up, all groggy and speaking in my low, manly (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/manly) voice, when Hiram introduces me to the book I kissed Dating Goodbye.

So far, I'm on page 46 and I have to say, this book really opened my eyes. After spending the last few nights reading the bible and what not, this book seems like the most fitting into my life right now. For the most part, the descriptions of why people get into relationships and my past relationshipssssss... are fully reviewed and understood in those first 46 pages. All the points the book makes, all the relationship ideals that I've grown to understand, learn, and accept, all of them, Kut.

I can't say I didn't learn anything from all those past events, but I can say that they were all done for the wrong reasons. I have quite a few people to thank for their prayers, and their understanding despite my arrogance and blind sight. In hind sight, it was me who was the most immature and the most childish, the most stubborn and stupid, the nincompoop (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?r=2&q=nincompoop).

But God forgives all. No matter how big the sin. Right? So ya... long walk ahead. One day I will see the world eye to eye. But right now, I don't think I deserve that.

In God we trust? Starting to again :)

Simon

Learning to walk

2006-10-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

So just this past Saturday was orgo chem midterm. I hoped I would do good, and I studied as much as I could for it but >_< @$%&#. But there is always next time, a next orgo chem, and more midterms.

I also went to my first prayer meeting today. It was amazing to be able to pray with everyone. Everyone prayed for wisdom and guidance in midterms, setting up women/men cell and coffee house. But... but... ... ..but I prayed for my parents. I pray that my parents will be more supportive. I guess sometimes, you never know when God will show you his love or his methods. Just like back from gr 6 - 8 when nobody lent a helping hand and I had to come out of it myself, and do all those things just to learn. Well I thank Him that he is here now and is showing me a better way. I just wish I knew what to do sometimes when faced with dilemna.

Baby steps. . . . . . . baby steps.

2006-10-15T14:38:00.000-07:00

This is my first blog ever. In all 6935 days of my life, I've never written a blog, but the reason why? Simply put, it's gay. At least, I considered it to be of homosexual nature back then... Now a days, I do not consider it so "gay" ... maybe a little gay ish.. but on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being Absolute Homo, ... well I'm writing one now. But why? Why can it be considered womanly for a man, (yes I am a man) to write a blog? It was prolly my upbringing. I only started reading blogs September 2006, and this is due to my unisex school upbringing. What kind of male, in an all male school would write a blog and then post about it on his MSN? That's just wrong, and on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the MOST wrongest, blogging is a 79 on the gaydar. But I am sorry. Enough with the homophobic remarks. I don't know what most bloggers write on their first blog ever. Is there some sort of inauguration blog? Some ritualisitic blog that the blogger must blog in order to join the blogging society?

Observing what I have read from Hiram's, Abe's, Jeff's, and others' (other's is read as
others-is) blog, they tend to write about things they don't want to say in real life to real people, and is mostly an afterthought, a retrospective view of their day/week or past events. I have found that blogs often include quotes, emotes, and notes, about life, strife, and stuff. Some blogs even inlcude info about what that person bought when they went shopping. I mean, who cares what you buy day to day, week to week, and month to month? But I do care... >_> And the people care about you, care. So, keep writing about that stuff :) it's nice to read. But in all seriousness, reading blogs is fun, and please don't take anything I write personally. THESE BLOGS ARE NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR! Though they may directed to particular groups of people ^_^. In Anycase, I shall begin.

So today is October 15, 4:48 pm. Tonight, we will have Da been low in our house with all the froshies from LCAC + Steph and Victor. The house currently smells like melted plastic because Hiram left the soup ladle handle on the stove, causing the ladle to melt, and thus, smell! Also, my legs really hurt a lot. About 2 weeks ago, Hiram and I started working out, and it's awesome cause I feel like I have so much more energy in me, especially to "Understand" and "accept" people.

Some people ask me why am I not so mean anymore, or not so mean to particular people? Sorry victoria :( U took the brunt of it. I think it's due to the fact that everyone in ACF is so full of life and energy. Last year I never went to ACF, because it was conflicting with my gaming schedule. But, I hope that I matured a little, and that's why I dont game anymore, and now that I go to ACF, I feel....1355 3m0.

I think the ACF retreat, and meeting with so many people and being able to share what troubled me for so many years... really helped me open up. I'd like to thank you (u know who you are) for sharing and opening up to "Abe's roomate." Growing up in a guys school, you never really get talk to anyone about your feelings. But it's easier with girls :) and thank God for that. Particularly, thanks Karen for talking wif me for 3 hours yesterday, you got me to think clearly, just like you always do (*big "awwwww" hug*).

"-_- burnt plastic really smells bad

I also started going to church? Wat da hek is going on here? I used to go to a catholic cathedral, with its overbearing beams and DOMINATING!!! priests >_<. After gr 8, I swore I'd never talk to God or go to any other "house" of his because it was crap. If he really cared and loved everyone, why would he make me go through suicidal depression twice for 4 years? Meet some amazing girl a few years later, only to have it last for 5 days with another long episode of depression? And what the hell was up with my family? Like what kind of kid has to sit his parents down like children and talk to them to "stop it" "or else!" and twice too -_- But I guess now that I'm coming from a different perspective, I guess I have to thank God for all those life experiences. If it wasn't for all those, I don't think I'd be able to joke around as much as I do, and it just wouldn't be me. Also, I have to thank God for introducing Abe (and then Karen) to me, who both opened my eyes to ACF, God himself, and retreat, and everyone else. OMG HAPPY LIFE (>^^)> <(^^)> <(^^<)

But really, thank you. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the Most appreciative chinese infant who draws a picture of a heart for his young mother, you guys get an 11 (God gets 12, cause he's godlike.) *cough cough*

Also, I love my roomates. Everyone is awesome, on a scale of 1 to 10... anyways everyone has their own "thang" you know? Hiram's is MSN + Azn Effectiles, Abe's is anime + karen, Jeff's is Anime, Andrew's is Ebay. Pretty neat how we all get along.

Anyways, my parents came today to bring me a vacuum cleaner, which was really needed since we haven't vacuumed since... well since August when I soloed it. They also brought me food, and monies, and hugs (mommy ^_^) and my tri annual GST tax return of $58!! I feel rich!

Wow, its 5:19 pm, I have been blogging for4:48 - 5:19 mins? 4:48 - 5:19 = umm.. Rachel, help.
Anyways, time for some Orgo chem studyage. Guess tonight will be another long night with LCAC da been low and studying. 5 am sleep? I THINK NOT! 4:30 am :)

God bless (for seriously)
Simon