First time for everything

These past 3 days have just been crazy. I thought I'd be really happy to go to China and experience what it would be like to teach at a very "well named" facility. But really, when you get into it and your learn about it, you just get disappointed.

At first I thought it would be a good experience to go to China and teach English. The original plan of July and August was to get a summer job in Toronot by day and study MCAT by night. I really liked that idea. But then of course, MCAT's new systems, just like all newly implemented systems, doesn't work the first time around and has too many bugs, so of course, waking up 2 hours earlier to try registering for MCAT was a total waste of time and sleep. 'nuff said. Now it turns out I'm going to China to teach english, help set their marketing strategy, and help them plan their enlgish curriculum.

Yes, I'm supposed to appreciate it and supposed to look forward to it. And I do, though i'm sure if my mom ever found out how much I really resent this trip, she would absolutely slap me. No questions asked.

Right now its 9:45 pm and I have so much paperwork, books, articles, to study... all piled up on my desk, onto my laptop, even my bed; literally sleep in my work. I feel like a proff. It's the first time in my life that i feel just LOST and overwhelmed with my work. Like a little boy who can't get around without holding onto someone's hand.
Last week i remember reading the blog of a sweet little girl who wanted to run and hide in her pink bubble. Right now i'd give anything to run and hide in my blue bubble.... *waves goodbye to pressure*. Just to sit at home, worker by day, student by night, and all the weekends consumed with mindless laughter, gaming, and friends....

Whatever. See you guys when I do. *huggles*.......................

It's time to grow up

It's time to grow up. I don't know why, but it's time to grow up. My friend's mother just died and he's in shambles. This guy was mad gangstaz, you know what i'm saying? He was all tight in his hood and playing like niggas but now it aint the same ride, you feel me?


Practically half the things I've ever done and said were done to keep things "in check" but they were never true.

I just wanna scream.

All the gaming, all the mindless activities. All the wasting time, has go to stop. Mom and dad, I swear i don't give a shit anymore between you two. Don't tell me your problems with your parents and your problems with each other.

Next year in 3rd year it will be different. No longer any gaming or wasting time or "trying to study." I'm going to study my stuff, and I'm going to church every Sunday and read everyday. ACF is NOT an option during exams and neither is lending a helping hand. I'm no longer going to have any "incentive" to do anything. It will be done because I care, because she is a "sister," because it's the "human" thing to do. MCAT's will be studied and I will be be able to teach the material by January!!

DAMN IT i wanna grow up.....maybe i just want to scream.



Yesterday was ... just makes me smile on the inside. It's so calming to be around people like you guys (you know who you are), practically live for your friends, and so into your own world. Feels like im the father patting the head of my little 12 year old daughter whose learning to make her way in the world. At the same time, feels like im the 5 year old son whose too huggy attched to mommy to let go. It's time to grow up.

*tear*... I love you guys.